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grandfather had said when he heard about the problems,
the lawsuit. You’ve all made the mistake of thinking
children come with a guarantee. They don’t. You do your best, hope for the
best, and take what you get.
    Nils doesn’t like that. He needs
something certain in his life.
    Something he can’t - won’t -
screw up.
     
    Daddy calls the new place an
apartment. Suze knows apart. She knows ment. “Ment” is what they add to words
to make them stronger. Improve , Mommy used to say, is an order . Improvement is an
achievement .
    So this place is apart - away.
And more apart than other places. Which is why it has a ment.
    She says that to Daddy, who looks
confused. He looks confused a lot. He says that things will be different now.
No Mommy. Mommy is sick and needs to see doctors.
    Suzette could’ve told him that a
long time ago.
    She likes the apartment on that
first day, mostly (she knows) because it doesn’t smell like Mommy’s perfume.
She knows Mommy won’t be there, and Suze isn’t quite so tense. Tense. Mommy’s
word.
    Why’re you so
tense, honey? Feel how tight your muscles are? Relax. You’ll play better. Just
relax .
    Daddy brought the piano, and her
bed, and all her dolls, even the ones she doesn’t like. But he didn’t bring the
window seat. He put her cushions on a big old chair near a small window, but it’s
not quite the same.
    Nothing’s quite the same.
    Her furniture is the only stuff
that is the same. Her furniture and her toys. The living room, all new. The
entertainment screen, new. Daddy’s bedroom, new. His clothes, the same, so his
closet smells the same - shoe leather and cologne and Daddy. Sometimes, she
goes in there and sits.
    In the quiet.
    Because he forgot her music.
    She tells him, and he says that
he couldn’t bring it.
    Can’t afford
it, babe , he says, and gives her a handheld music device. With forbidden
buds. Which, he says, are programmed so they won’t hurt her.
    But it’s not the same. There are
no notes. The music doesn’t dance around her in multicolours. It’s flat and
tinny, not at all what it used to be.
    She touches behind her ear to
turn on the music, but nothing happens. She doesn’t know why. She’s with
family.
    But she thinks, maybe, Mommy lied
about the ear thing. Mommy lied about a lot, mostly to Daddy, but sometimes to
Suze. And Suze hated the lies, because Mommy sometimes wanted Suze to lie too.
    Suze used to hide in her room.
Her old room.
    Where the music danced.
    She asks Daddy for her music
every day, and every day, he tells her he can’t.
    So she waits. After the first
week, he says, she’s going to Grams. Grams will watch her after school. Grams
and Gramps - Daddy’s mommy and daddy - they love her and they have good music,
with dancing notes and colours. She can’t wait. Grams is a better cook than
Daddy. Gramps doesn’t talk much, but he hugs good. And they have music, real
music.
    And she’ll be there real soon.
     
    The end of a long day. Nils has
held onto his job through this entire mess, his boss understanding, but now
that it’s over - at least as far as his boss is concerned - Nils must perform
again. Long hours, stellar work.
    And he does. He has been. He’ll
continue.
    Thank God he has his parents.
Thank God they love Suzette. Thank God they understand.
    He walks into their house - the
house he grew up in - a one-hundred-and-fifty year old Craftsman, original
wood, polished floors, real Tiffany lamps, put away since Suze will come over
every day. When she gets old enough, the Tiffany will come back out. The
antiques will fill the living room again, but for now, everything is as
familiar as his childhood.
    His parents had put out this
furniture when he was a kid, so he could scuff the tables and break the springs
on the couch. Suze can do the same.
    She’ll have a real childhood
here.
    Only the comfort he expects as he
pushes the door open isn’t here. The air is fraught with tension. He can sense
it in the silence. He