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possibly, of his whole musical apprenticeship – and, though ultimately he would have to face it alone, I felt it was the least I could do to make sure he was adequately prepared. If my planning had been better, if the Rock Circus hadn’t closed down, I’m sure I would have saved this test for later in our adventure, when Peter was more cynical, more inured to the ways of men who’ve seen their musical dreams slowly disintegrate before their eyes. But there seemed to be no avoiding it. Only one thing was certain: when it was over, he wouldn’t be quite the same person that he’d been before. Stronger, yes, but weaker too, and never quite able to feel so optimistic about the destiny of humanity. Following in the footsteps of heroes, Japanese rock chicks and overgrown students, Peter was about to face one of the toughest tests known to man: he was about to pay for some goods at the Music And Video Exchange.
    As I’d learned to my cost over the years, conducting cash transactions at the MVE could not be approached in the same flippant, absent-minded manner as conducting cash transactions in ordinary high street establishments. There were rules, and then, hidden between the lines of those, a myriad codes and sub-clauses. If, for example, you happened to be selling records, what you didn’t do was approach the cash register brightly and say, ‘Good day to you! I’ve got some goods I’d like to sell! I think you’ll find they’re all in wonderful condition, particularly the copy of thefirst Climie Fisher single. By the way, could you tell me the way to the nearest Virgin Megastore?’ What you
did
do was look the sales assistant in the eye, grunt, shove your records across the counter in his general direction, accidentally-on-purpose knocking his coffee over in the process, then look insouciantly in the opposite direction while picking something imaginary out of your ear. But even that wouldn’t necessarily see you through unscathed. This wasn’t just about grunting and looking uninterested, this was about being
totally
belligerent throughout the grunt, being
utterly
committed to your uninterest as the sales assistant – a whippety man usually, giving the impression of swarthiness without being able to grow anything remotely approaching a full beard – sorted through your pile of albums and rolled his eyes at your taste as if it represented your personality in its entirety.
    Buying is easier, but not much, as my friend John once found to his cost when he asked if an MVE employee would like ‘the correct change’, only to have a toy plastic skull placed silently in front of him in response. John never found out what this gesture meant – was it MVE code for ‘No, it’s okay, we’ve got plenty of change – look, we’ve even used it to buy this toy plastic skull – but thanks for asking anyway’? – but has never made the mistake of adopting a cheery, polite demeanour inside the shop since. In the Music And Video Exchange, the phrase ‘Smile and the world smiles with you’ is turned inside out, becoming ‘Grunt in a pissed-off fashion and the world gives you grudging respect’. Besides smiling, other inadvisable things to do in an MVE include:
    1. Asking for the new Chris Rea album.
    2. Moshing joyously when you hear a song you get pleasure from on the shop stereo.
    3. Reading a slogan on a sales assistant’s t-shirt – e.g. ‘Virgin Slug Weasel’ – and taking it literally, then offering to help.
    4. Using your real address when signing for the goods you have sold, if you live in a house called Tweedle Cottage.
    5. Complaining about the volume of the music on the shop stereo and loudly observing that it sounds like some kitchen utensils falling out of a window.
    Besides grunting, other advisable things to do in an MVE include:
    1. Yawning.
    2. Making up bands with ridiculous names