Read Durability (The LockDown Series Book 3) for Free Online

and utter rejection I know she will harbour after looking down upon my vile attacks on our girl.
    “You were supposed to protect her, to keep her safe and loved,” I can hear her saying. At night, in my cell, all I could hear was her. Telling me how disgusting I was, how she wished I would die and rid this world of evil, how she wished she had never met me. It had changed me, forced me to confront the living Lucifer I was. At least he had loved his father, me... I would never get that love from my girl, I didn’t deserve anything from her.
    It angers me to no end that I could have in fact ended her with that bullet, piercing her skin. The blood had been pungent and sickening in the air causing an unwanted gargle of vomit in my stomach as I looked at my daughter's dying body. That was it, the last straw of my humanity as I had easily shot the gun and torn through her beautiful flesh.
    She has become something great, something stunning and pure. I want to castrate myself and jump from the closest cliff into the cascading violent waters below, just so I can give Abigail that chance in life again, that fresh start.
    I have often thought of her as I lay incarcerated, often thought of her blue eyes and blonde hair, how she would look now, how she would laugh, if it would still hold that beautiful high giggle she had had as a toddler, if she has become something great. I suspected not, I suspected she had fallen to the pits after her horrendous life with me, her father, her protector.
    I warm a jar of baby food in the microwave and perch the baby on my knee, her green eyes piercing and deep as they stare at me with beautiful innocence. She has calmed down, having gotten used to me a little.
    I spoon a little food, feeding it to her. Her mouth opens freely and her tiny lips clamp down on the spoon. She swallows it down and then smiles and jumps up and down for more. I spoon more into her mouth, her childish giggles and jumps warming my fucked up heart a little.
    This isn’t fair; to be denying her mother the warmth and comfort a baby brings you. I miss this, miss my daughter being this young and cheeky. I had ruined her childhood from the moment her mother had left this world, blaming her and calling her vile names, hitting her and eventually taking that innocence a girl possessed that can never be given back.
    I begin to cry again, my tears falling into her dark blonde curly hair. I hadn’t meant to scare Abbi the way I have over the last few months, leaving messages and taking her baby when she slept. I had just wanted to meet her and hold her before Leighton ended me, because I knew he would. And I’d go easily and willingly, I deserved to. I would die happy just having seen my daughter and granddaughter one last time, whether my daughter was dying or not I have seen her adult self.
    “We’ll take you back to mummy and daddy tomorrow princess,” I tell her, juggling my knee up and down and stroking her soft little cheek. I know people say someone like me will never change, that it is in our blood, but I have. I feel such a raw regret for everything I have ever done.
    The baby claps her hands, now a little messy from food, and clucks her tongue. “You miss them hey?” I ask her, knowing she isn’t going to answer. She goo’s and gaa’s at me, staring intently into my eyes. I hold the same deep blue hue my girl did, but they are not precious and perfect like hers. No, they hold an unwanted darkness that no matter how much I try to rid myself of it, it stays there, reminding me every second of every day, how much I am undeserving of this life.
    “Tomorrow, it all ends angel.” I look to the ceiling, now cracking and chipped. “I’ll be there soon,” I whisper to the heavens, hoping my wife is forgiving enough to allow me beside her in heaven, that god thinks me redeemed enough to be up there because I don’t think I can live eternity in hell, alone and scared.
    “You’re just like your mamma, you know that