like a bucket of hot water and I hear something breaking. Probably my ribs. It sounds like chickenbones under a bootheel.
I held Gandalf against me and thought, Bring the friend, sit in the friend, sit in the fucking PAL, you dump bitch!
And now Iâm sitting in the chum, sitting in the fucking pal, itâs at home but home doesnât feel like home with all the clocks of Europe ringing inside my cracked head and I canât remember the name ofthe doll Kamen gave me, all I can remember is boy names: Randall, Russell, Rudolph, River-fucking-Phoenix. I tell her to leave me alone when she comes in with the fruit and the fucking college cheese, I tell her I need five minutes. I can do this, I say, because itâs the phrase Kamen gave me, itâs the out, itâs the meep-meep-meep that says watch it, Pammy, Edgarâs backing up. But instead of leaving she takes the napkin from the tray to wipe the fret off my forehead and while sheâs doing that I grab her by the throat because in that moment it seems to me itâs her fault I canât remember my dollâs name, everything is her fault, including LINK-BELT . I grab her with my good left hand. For a few seconds I want to kill her, and who knows, maybe I try. What I do know is Iâd rather remember all the accidents in this round world than the look in her eyes as she struggles in my grip. Then I think, It was RED! and let her go.
I held Gandalf against my chest as I had once held my infant daughters and thought, I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I felt Gandalfâs blood soak through my pants like hot water and thought, Go on, you sad fuck, get out of Dodge.
I held Gandalf and thought of how it felt to be crushed alive as the cab of your truck eats the air around you and the breath leaves your body and the blood blows out of your nose and those snapping sounds as consciousness flees, those are the bones breaking inside your own body: your ribs, your arm, your hip, your leg, your cheek, your fucking skull.
I held Monicaâs dog and thought, in a kind of miserable triumph: It was RED!
For a moment I was in a darkness shot with that red; then I opened my eyes. I was clutching Gandalfto my chest with my left arm, and his eyes were staring up at my faceâ
No, past it. And past the sky.
âMr. Freemantle?â It was John Hastings, the old guy who lived two houses up from the Goldsteins. In his English tweed cap and sleeveless sweater, he looked ready for a hike on the Scottish moors. Except, that was, for the expression of dismay on his face. âEdgar? You can let him go now. That dog is dead.â
âYes,â I said, relaxing my grip on Gandalf. âWould you help me get up?â
âIâm not sure I can,â John said. âIâd be more apt to pull us both down.â
âThen go in and see if the Goldsteins are okay,â I said.
âIt is her dog,â he said. âI was hoping . . .â He shook his head.
âItâs hers,â I said. âAnd I donât want her to come out and see him like this.â
âOf course, butââ
âIâll help him,â Mrs. Fevereau said. She looked a little better, and she had ditched the cigarette. She reached for my right armpit, then hesitated. âWill that hurt you?â
It would, but far less than staying the way I was, so I told her no. As John went up the Goldsteinsâ walk, I got a grip on the Hummerâs bumper. Together we managed to get me back on my feet.
âI donât suppose youâve got anything to cover the dog with?â
âAs a matter of fact, thereâs a rug remnant in the back.â
âGood. Great.â
She started around to the rearâit would be a longtrek, given the Hummerâs sizeâthen turned back. âThank God it died before the little girl got back.â
âYes,â I said. âThank God.â
ix
It wasnât far back to my