Read Driving Big Davie (Dan Starkey) for Free Online Page A

for. One of those fly-by-night holidays in Florida.'
    'Fly-drive . . .' I began to correct and then stopped as an idea of what she was about to ask sprang fully formed into my drunken head.' Right . . . right. I see what you're getting at. He's stuck with the honeymoon.'
    She nodded sadly.' He'll lose it all, you know, at this late stage. Different if he was ill or she got her head sliced off in a tragic elevator accident — he could claim the money back. But he'll get nothing for getting dumped within sight of the altar. So he was kind of embarrassed about approaching you.'
    'Well, he shouldn't have been. I'm . . . flattered he even thought of me. As long as we can — you know, come to some agreement — I'd be delighted.'
    Mrs Kincaid smiled now.' Ouch, that's great, Dan.'
    I smiled too. Patricia would be over the moon. I'd arrive home with a hangover and a cut-price holiday to Florida. We hadn't been away in years. It was exactly what we needed. Romance. Rest. Set her up for her egg harvestation and my second attempt to wank into a cup.
    'He'll be delighted.'
    'No trouble, Mrs Kincaid.'
    'He said you always talked about going to America together. When youse were kids.'
    'We . . .'
    'He said to me, "Dan and I were going to do a real rock'n'roll tour when we got the money together, but we never did. This is the perfect opportunity. Forget my troubles and have a cracking time with my old mate, Dan Starkey".'
    Gulp is the correct word, I believe.
    'So you're up for it, Dan, are you?' Mrs Kincaid asked.
    'Absolutely,' I said.' But would you mind phoning my wife and letting her know?'

5
    She's an old trouper, my wife. Swears like one, too. Consideration for her reputation prevents me from relating in detail the torrent of abuse which was hurled at me when I told her I was going to Florida with Davie — although the words fucker and wanker figured strongly. This was of course understandable; she was in quite a delicate state because of the whole infertility/surrogacy situation. It might even be considered as indelicate in some quarters that I was contemplating disappearing off for a holiday in the sun when she was feeling so vulnerable, but I mean, it was free. All I needed was spending money, and I could borrow that off Patricia. She wasn't going anywhere.
    'You are the most callous, insensitive little fucker I ever met.'
    This was after the first torrent had abated and I had politely enquired about her fiscal liquidity because the PR job with Why Don't You Come Home for a Pint? paid bugger all, but I was so pissed off with her attitude that I am now forced to reconsider my concern for her reputation. Sometimes you have to present a woman with all of her inglorious flaws for others to understand how difficult she can be to live with. Perhaps, as an artist, I am just overly sensitive, but some of her language was uncalled for.
    'You have to look at the bigger picture sometimes, Trish,' I said.
    'Fuck your biggest picture, you're sloping off to America without me.'
    'I'm doing it to help Davie.'
    'Aye fuck you are. You're going off on a two-week bender.'
    'I'm not, I'm just trying to help him through a difficult time.'
    'Aye fuck you are.'
    'I am, he's—'
    'I don't give a fuck, Dan. What about me — what about my difficult time?'
    'What difficult time?'
    'Christ!'
    'I mean — I know it's been hard. But we got good news, didn't we? We can do the IVF treatment, my swimmers are world-class . . .'
    'If they are yours.'
    'That's not fair, Trish. I made a mistake — they're mine now.'
    'Yeah, right.'
    'They're going to help us find a surrogate, aren't they? It'll be fine.'
    'You've really no idea, have you? You've no idea of what's involved. The injections I'll need, the pain, the waiting, the counselling. We have to go before a fucking ethics committee, we have to meet a surrogate, we have to trust her to look after our baby for nine months, and you know at the end of it, at the fucking end of it she can hold onto it if she