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to pay back the compensation. The drug companies will be fully exempt from lawsuits concerning fraud, mislabeling, side-effects and accidental death. Profits are expected to explode now that the companies are at long last buffered from costly frivolous lawsuits. Both drug manufacturers and investors are celebrating the historic ruling.
    Various consumer advocacy groups are also very pleased with the new ruling. In theory, the price of a wide assortment of pharmaceuticals could very well plummet now that costly over-cautious testing will no longer be necessary before releasing a new product on the market.
    The government has announced that the new national seed registry is a booming success. There are currently forty varieties of different plants listed in the approved database. All gardeners are reminded to only use registered seeds and plants. If you’ve saved seeds from your own garden that aren’t on the list, and want to plant them next season, you’ll need to register them with the newly formed National Botanical Variety Agency first. A fee applies for every variety you attempt to register. It will take no more than eighteen months for the agency to inform you of whether or not your submission is approved for planting. The penalty for non-compliance can include incarceration and a sizable fine, so be sure to garden wisely.
    Ever since the devastating suicide attack on flight H-78 a year ago, committed by three radicalized Orninican women returning from abroad, having had liquid explosives injected into their breast implants, the International Transit Security Agency has painstakingly examined a total of one-hundred-million pairs of breasts at transit hubs all over the world. The agency celebrated the milestone with a low key gathering at their headquarters in the Oji desert. Thank you, brave ITSA agents for keeping our skies safe.
    An elementary school in the local suburb of Cloverton has been praised for its great success at improving security through a simple, yet groundbreaking safety measure. Its principal, Myron Navers, instituted a policy that requires students to kneel down on one knee after every recess, waiting several minutes for principal Navers to inspect them and grant them permission to return to their classes. This 'positive behavior intervention' is estimated by Mr. Navers to have improved order and security in the school by an impressive 9%. It is expected that the safety measure will be expanded to other schools around the nation shortly.
    A local young couple hoping to name their newborn son 'Messiah' were disappointed yesterday, as their request was denied by city hall. “We're both big fans of Bahman and his good deeds, and we wanted to pay tribute to him by naming our first pup Messiah Jackson-Melps. There was no offense intended, and we think city hall is overacting. Their suggestion that we name our boy something similar sounding, like 'Lassie', isn't helpful at all,” new father Rolo Melps told the Post. City hall refuses to compromise, insisting that 'Messiah' doesn't appear on the list of approved names.
    Could Harvey Fidelbrook have found love again? Multiple witnesses at the opening of his newest glitzy eatery saw him sitting with, and affectionately whispering in young starlet Brenda Hey's ear, while his hand rested somewhere beneath the table, perhaps on her leg. The photos show the glamorous actress smiling ear to ear as Harvey personally serves her a plate of delicious caviar and kibble. When asked for a statement, the publicists for both personalities declined to comment.
    Harvey has been single for the better part of the last decade, ever since he parted ways with his soap star former wife, Lady Kinders, after they both had torrid public love affairs. Lady has since remarried, but poor Harvey just can't seem to find the right girl. His long list of celebrity dalliances is eclipsed by none, but sadly he has yet to attain a lasting romance. Good luck, Harvey and Brenda, the whole