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already on the scene—the firefighters had dealt with the woman’s medical problems before and knew the inherent problems of transporting her. She was found face-up in bed (“bed” was two twin-sized mattresses on two-inch sheets of plywood that had been glued together and were supported at each corner by concrete blocks). After reviewing the situation, I took the mortuary cot out of the hearse and left it in her front yard. There would be no way she could fit on something that was only twenty-two inches wide. The life-squad personnel and I pondered our dilemma for a few moments. Then I came up with the plan of the century.
    I drove to a nearby hardware store to purchase a large canvas tarpaulin to spread out on the floor next to the woman’s bed. Seven men assisted me in grasping the bed linens beneath her and gently pulling her onto the tarp. With four of us on each side, we gripped the tarp and slowly moved her to the front door and into the hearse.
    That was the first time I ever placed a body directly on the floor of a hearse, and there was little room to spare. I asked the life-squad personnel to follow me back to the funeral home so they could help me transfer her into the building. At the funeral home, I had to make some adjustments: because the decedent was forty-three inches wide, she couldn’t possibly fit onto a standard embalming table. I placed two tables side by side and latched them together at the legs with nylon rope. The eight of us took baby steps with the tarp and its cargo into the funeral home, down a short hallway, and into the preparation room. Then, after a brief rest, we counted to three and hoisted the decedent onto the joined embalming tables.
    Later, since I could not hold the mass of fatty tissue away from her neck to locate the carotid artery or jugular vein, I opted to find and raise the right femoral artery and vein, located in the upper thigh near the groin. After making the femoral incision, I had to ask an assistant to hold open the incision with his hands and some strategically placed duct tape. I was nearly up to my elbow in fatty tissue before I finally could delve deep enough in the femoral space to locate the selected vessels. Arterially embalming a decedent of average weight usually consumes from three to five gallons of formaldehyde-based chemical. In this case, I injected fourteen gallons through the decedent’s arterial system before I finally started recognizing some positive results.
    When I received her burial clothing the next day, I pondered the sheer size of the black dress she was to be buried in. My wife styled her hair, I applied cosmetics, and we awaited the arrival of my seven assistants to move the woman into her substantial casket. I had ordered a custom-made forty-five-inch-wide, eighteen-gauge steel version, which had been delivered that day.
    The next hurdle was coming up with a proper device on which to place the casket. A standard bier, a wooden pedestal-like device on wheels, would not be strong enough to support her weight. I called around to inquire about the price of having a special bier constructed on short notice—but to no avail. During one fruitless call, however, a gentleman referred me to a welding shop known to have rolling carts on which they mounted equipment. The owner invited me to come over and take a look at a steel cart that sported heavy-duty steel wheels. He agreed to deliver the cart to me, and after a good scrubbing and applying black bunting around the top edge, it was perfectly serviceable.
    Throughout the entire process, I made one serious blunder. I had placed the casket on the floor of the preparation room and removed the lid, so that we could get around both sides as we lifted it. Removing the lid was an excellent idea; laying the casket on the floor was not. We hoisted the decedent into her casket and positioned her as well as possible so that she would look comfortable in her repose. But that’s