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and
    b.   introduce passive-aggressiveness into the relationship, which, as any book on the subject will tell you, is bad.
    3.   In the closet here, and this is very important , are my clothes. No clothes that are not these clothes, or which do not hew very closely to these clothes in matters of style or substance, will ever become my clothes. They may
    a.   reside in this closet for a while, leading to the impression that they are actively participating in my wardrobe, but
    b.   in fact, will be there for display purposes only; and
    c.   all non-me apparel, regardless of its source, will eventually end up in this closet way over here, where, if you see anything you like, help yourself.
    4.   I have achieved a satisfying equilibrium between my desire for order and the seductive lure of chaos. Please do not upset it. (See 2.b, above.)
    5.   I cannot accept responsibility for items of clothing or other personal objects left in the apartment, nor can I vouch for the provenance of any vesture or garniture you discover that proves to be neither yours nor mine.
    6.   My lease forbids me from making an extra set of keys.
    Me
    Generally, there is only one rule about me: I am what I am. But over the years, a few areas concerning me have cropped up often enough that I feel the need to address them specifically .
    1.   I have worn my hair long, short, left, right, straight back, and spiked. The particular style you see now is, unfortunately, the only one that works. Previous hair experiments by otherwise well-meaning individuals have ended in tears.
    2.   I am ten pounds overweight. When I raise this issue, typically in the mornings or just before dessert, you should
    a.   be aware that there is no correct response , and
    b.   quietly go about your business.
    3.   Do not touch me here, here, and especially here , even in jest.
    4.   I have a medical condition that I may invoke from time to time to explain certain moods or behaviors. Do not be alarmed, as this condition
    a.   is not fatal, in the medical sense;
    b.   cannot be transmitted through sexual contact; and
    c.   cannot be transmitted through oral sex.
    You
    Having insisted that I am what I am, it would be hypocritical of me to not let you be you. However, experience has taught me that you may, at some point, decide not to be you anymore. Should you anticipate such a transformation, I ask that you keep in mind:
    1.   Your hair is perfect. There is no need for you to ever do anything interesting to it.
    2.   However it is that you smell that way, continue to do so. Sudden shifts in the olfactory landscape disconcert me.
    3.   If I should come to love you (See Us: 3.a, below), I will of course love you at any size. Yet I cannot love and respect someone who, by all appearances, does not love and respect herself. Accordingly ,
    a.   Do you really want to eat that?
    4.   All of the above notwithstanding, I do not wish to discourage you from pursuing cosmetic surgery if it would somehow bolster your self-esteem, and would be happy to support you, in a strictly advisory capacity. (Brochures attached.)
    Us
    Someday very soon (here’s hoping!) you and I will be an us. We will be a much better us, I believe, if we adhere to two simple maxims: we are what we are, and que será, será. Regrettably, repeated inquiries on particular us-related topics in the past have prompted me to codify this general philosophy into a few, for the want of a better word, edicts .
    1.   Even as an us, it is important that you and I remain you and me. This is particularly important with respect to our respective domiciles (See My Apartment); I suggest, therefore, that you and I endeavor to maintain the roles of host and visitor in each other’s residence at all times, even while presenting an us