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blend.
    Like in bed. For all the advantages of sleeping next to another person, it’s not always easy to figure out where everything goes. Arms and legs that didn’t bother you all day are suddenly a burden.
    Many people opt to minimize their Limb Placement decisions by sleeping on their own side of the Team Bed, an approach known as “Individual Free-Style Sleep.” But even here there are choices to be made.
    I myself am a big fan of the popular “One Arm Across Your Forehead, the Other Hand Resting Nicely on Your Groin.” (Nine out of ten men sleep with at least one hand guarding their crotch. Not that this really protects anything, but if anyone tries to attack or pilfer, you’re at least notified, and have a shot at dissuading them.)
    But the real challenge is when you have
four
arms and legs to find homes for. Not so easy.
    You got your “
Her
Head on His Chest,
His
Arm Around Her Shoulder” model, noted for its easy-access Chest Hair Fondling; there’s the “Face Each Other and One of You Wrap Your Upper Leg Around the Other One’s Legs,” or the easy-to-remember “Lie There on Top of Each Other Supporting Your Partner’s Body Weight With Your Own Rib Cage,” which again—effective for conversation but not really suited for lengthy, sleep-oriented couplings.
    For sleep, of course, you have your classic “Spoon” and “Reverse Spoon,” both enjoyable, but tough ones in terms of breathing. One of you will suffocate, and I’ve always believed there’s no point in being cozy if you’re dead.
    Then you’ve got the Thermal Levels to contend with. Not only are two people in the same bed never the same temperature, they’re not even close. One is
freezing
and the other is
boiling.
There’s no middle range. And you’reboth upset that your partner doesn’t see it your way. “How can you be cold? I’m sweating rain forests here.… Come on, be like me. Be hot.” The contention being that if the other person is uncomfortable, they should at least be uncomfortable in the same thermal direction as you.
    B ut the real work of two people blending—the behavior stuff—is where things really get interesting. Because after so many years of being by yourselves, no matter how much “Us” paint you throw on top of it, the old “You” still shows through. And that’s usually not a good thing.
    A lot of guys think the highest compliment they can pay a woman is to treat her like “one of the guys.” The whole “Treat others as you would be treated yourself” rule becomes “Treat others as if you were
by
yourself.” They figure, “Surely we’re beyond the silly formalities, the need to be civil. Let’s relax. Be ourselves.” And the women are thinking, “Let’s
not.
” Because they know where this leads.
    “Hey!”
    “What?”
    “Did you just fart on my arm?”
    “Sorry. I didn’t know you were there.”
    See, when you’re by yourself, you apply your own standards.It doesn’t bother your Self that you stand in the middle of the room, drink 32 ounces of club soda, and belch out everything you’ve eaten since the Spring. Your Self may not care. Others, however, may.
    And if you’re with another person all the time, every repugnant component of your life must, by definition, happen in front of the other person. There’s nowhere to hide.
    So you learn to accept each other. Your best behavior is now and forever reserved for
outside
the house, and once you’re inside, you’re free to be the repellent American you really are. There’s a tacit understanding. “I know all about
you
, you know all about
me
, and it’ll all be our little secret.”
    You become a little team. It’s the “two of you” against “everybody else.” And you look out for each other. Your partner becomes the one person in the world you can go over to and say, “Do I have anything in my nose?”
    That’s your mutual job: protect your Ugly Truths from everyone but each other. Which is kind of nice, actually.