Read Coco Pinchard's Big Fat Tipsy Wedding: A Funny Feel-Good Romantic Comedy for Free Online

him.’
    ‘Rosencrantz! I’m your mother!’
    ‘What? I just figured shagging him was the sensible thing to do.’
    ‘How is shag… sleeping with him sensible?’
    ‘There’s no sexual tension now, we can just be friends. I recommend doing it with all your same sex friends.’
    ‘What so I should jump into bed with Marika?’ I said.
    ‘No! I only recommend it if you’re gay. With sex out of the way, me and Oscar can be really good friends.’
    ‘What about Wayne?’
    ‘Oh no we haven’t shagged Wayne. We think he’s asexual. The only thing that seems to excite him is his Royal teacup collection; he’s got the Coronation, Charles and Diana’s Wedding.’
    ‘Isn’t he lonely?’
    ‘We’re all lonely, in one way or another,’ said Rosencrantz looking out of the window. ‘Course, I’m lucky. I’ve got a wicked Mum.’ He leaned over and gave me a long hug.  
    On the train home I tried to get my head around it all. I thought I understood what life was all about, but I’m now more confused than ever.

    Friday 26th November   13.14
    TO: [email protected]

    Meryl Skyped me this morning; she pinged into view with baby Wilfred on her lap screaming his head off with a face like a little red beef tomato. I thought she might be calling about Adam, but she asked if I would take a look at Wilfred’s bottom. Before I could say hello, she pantsed the poor kid and held his bare backside up to the webcam. There was a prickly red rash dotted across his skin.
    ‘What do you think it is?’ said Meryl settling the screaming Wilfred back on her knee.
    ‘It looks like nappy rash,’ I said. ‘How long has he had it?’
    ‘A week, ever since we switched him over to pull-ups. How did Rosencrantz get on with pull-ups?’  
    ‘Well, we didn’t have them when Rosencrantz was little,’ I said. ‘I’d take him to the doctor if it doesn’t clear up.’  
    ‘Do you know how hard it is to get an appointment at our surgery?’ she said. ‘Sometimes I wish I was an asylum seeker in this country. I’d be far better off!’
    ‘I don’t think so Meryl, you wouldn’t want to have to flee from an oppressive regime.’  
    Tony popped behind Meryl looking as greasy as ever.
    ‘Morning Coco!’ he said. ‘What are we talking about?’
    ‘Nappy rash and oppressive regimes,’ snapped Meryl. ‘Both of which our government is doing nothing about.’
    ‘Here Coco,’ said Tony leaning toward the camera. ‘So sorry to hear about you and Adam.’
    ‘Yes, Coco, we’re very sorry,’ said Meryl shifting Wilfred to her other knee. ‘He was the first black man we felt like we really got to know, after Lenny Henry of course.’
    ‘Ah yes… I felt very sorry for him, when I heard about the break-up,’ said Tony.
    ‘Adam broke up with me,’ I said.
    ‘Oh yes, yes, no I meant Lenny Henry and Dawn French… Very sad business. Who do you think was funnier Coco?’
    ‘Out of Dawn French and Lenny Henry?’ I said.
    ‘No, you and Adam?’ he said.
    ‘What’s that got to do with anything?’  
    ‘Oh nothing, nothing I was just wondering. I thought Adam was rather witty.’
    ‘That reminds me Tony,’ said Meryl. ‘Would you set the Sky box to record The Vicar Of Dibley for me?’  
    ‘Right-o! Nice to talk to you Coco, chin up!’ said Tony and off he went.
    ‘You’re so lucky Coco,’ said Meryl. ‘All alone now and rattling around like Miss Havisham in your big house. I don’t get a minutes peace. I’d give anything to be Miss Havisham right now. Of course, unlike her I’d keep up with my hoovering.   Byeee!’ and she vanished from the screen.
    I don’t know how Meryl and Tony manage to seem so concerned and disinterested at the same time.  
    I’m looking forward to seeing you at Chris’ new play later; shall I meet you outside at seven?

    Coco xxx

    Saturday 27th November   12.33
    TO: [email protected]

    Thanks for your message, asking how I am doing. I went to see