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no-handed when I’m not on flat pavement. “You can shut your pie traps right now.”
    “All right, all right, fine. Jeez.” Coop shifts gears on his bike as we get to the end of the field and turn onto Market Road. “So what if your mom likes to dress up like a mime and eat canned peach slices from your dad’s hairy belly folds? Doesn’t concern us, does it, Matt?”
    “No, of course not.” Matt’s laughing so hard his bike’s zigzagging through the street like he’s drunk. “They could be riding each other around the bedroom like wild naked ponies for all we care.”
    “Go to hell.” I stand and pedal hard to try and get away from them, but Coop and Matt have no trouble keeping pace. Finally, I just give up and sit back on my bike seat. “You guys are total dicks, you know that?”
    “Aw, don’t pout, Sean-o,” Coop says. “We’re just bustin’ your chops a little. Did you actually expect us to let something like that just slide on by?”
    “Yeah, if you had any class, you would,” I say.
    He grins and thrusts his hand out for me to shake. “Hi, Cooper Redmond. Nice to meet you.”
    I swat his hand away, but it’s hard to keep a straight face. Coop’s a d-bag, but he’s a funny d-bag, which makes it really difficult to stay pissed at him.
    “Okay,” Matt says. “If you don’t need the money for the baby, what do you need it for?”
    “Right. Like I’m going to tell you. You assbaskets will just make fun of me.”
    “I’m not going to lie to you, dawg,” Coop says. “There’s a very good possibility of that happening. But once we get it out of our system, you know we’ll have your back.”
    I let out a long weary sigh because I know he’s right. You couldn’t ask for two more loyal friends. “I need the money to build an extension on my house, okay?”
    “What?” Matt asks. “Why?”
    “Because. My parents can’t afford to do it. And if I don’t come up with the money”— I shake my head, still unable to believe this —“I’m going to have to share a bedroom with Cathy.”
    Coop grabs his chest like he’s been speared by an arrow.
“Daaamn!”
he howls. “Are you twisting me? Bunking with Count Skankula? That’s egregious, dude.”
    “Tell me about it.” I check my cell and see that — even with the shortcut — we are still in serious danger of missing first bell.
    “Do you have to move in with her right away?” Matt asks.
    “I don’t know. My parents said the baby’s going to be born in May. I’m guessing it’ll be around then. Which is why I’ve got about four months to figure something out.”
    “That is harsh, dawg,” Coop says. “How are you supposed to do any plug and play with the new lady friend when your Gothed-out sister’s sitting there gawking at you?”
    Oh, God. Evelyn. I completely forgot about her! Perfect. Now I’m going to have to deal with the neck suckler today on top of everything else.
    “And that’s just the start of the nightmare,” Matt announces. “What about everything else you need privacy for?”
    “Right,” Coop says. “No more punchin’ the munchkin into the wee hours of the morning. And you might as well unbookmark all of those
Bridezillas
videos you like to watch.”
    I shake my head. “You see? This is why I didn’t want to tell you.”
    “No.” Coop points at me. “This is why you
did
want to tell us. Because we feel for you. Which is why we’re going to help you out by making and selling this movie for a chock of cha-ching. Isn’t that right, Matt?”
    Matt nods. “Of course. We’re here for you, buddy. One for all, and all for leaping back into the fiery pits of humiliation.”
    I look over at Coop and Matt and feel myself getting a little choked up. It’s a pretty good feeling to know that I always have my buds in my corner when all the chips are crumbling to pieces.
    And who knows? Maybe we can actually pull this thing off. Make a movie and sell it — if not for millions, then at least enough to