Read Best Friends, Occasional Enemies: The Lighter Side of Life as a Mother and Daughter (Reading Group Gold) for Free Online
Authors: Lisa Scottoline, Francesca Serritella
I’d never bought a car without trading one in.
“But what about the money?”
“We’re only offering you a fraction of what the car’s worth. If I were you, I’d keep it.”
“But I’m only one person. Why do I need two cars?”
“They’re two different cars. The old one’s a sedan, and the new one’s an SUV.”
I wiped my eyes. “You mean, like shoes? This is the dressy pair?”
He looked nonplussed. “Uh, right.”
“Really?” My heart leapt with happiness. I decided to keep The Mothership. It’s strappy sandals on wheels, if you follow.
Thus ended my first attempt at hardball negotiations, which backfired. Having bargained for the best price on a trade-in, I couldn’t bring myself to trade anything in.
Because I love it.
It sits in my garage, aging happily.
Soon we’ll both be antique.
Priceless.
Brush Off
By Lisa
I just read an article about women who pay $168 to have their bodies brushed.
Good to know. I’d been looking for a new way to blow $168, and now I have one.
Turns out you can go to a spa, get naked, and have your entire body brushed with hard bristles.
A pap smear sounds like more fun to me.
The article said that you can also buy a brush and start brushing your skin at home. One woman said it was like a “morning cup of coffee.”
Also good to know.
To me, the only thing like a morning cup of coffee is a morning cup of coffee. But I’ve been narrow-minded. The woman in the article brushes her skin every morning.
I don’t even brush my hair every morning.
Evidently, brushing the skin was an ancient ritual in Japan and Greece. I didn’t know that either, but to me, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good idea. For example, another ancient ritual from Japan is foot-binding. And one from ancient Greece is democracy.
Look where that got us.
One woman in the article goes regularly to a spa for a body brushing, which she does “to get the toxins out.”
Again, with the toxins.
I’ve read enough about toxins. Everybody’s talking about toxins. To get rid of toxins, people go on fasts, where they don’t eat for a week, or they get colonics, which I’m not going to explain herein.
You can figure it out. People who read are smart.
Smart enough to avoid colonics.
But here’s my question: What toxins do they need to get out of their bodies, and how did the toxins get inside?
In the article, the spa owner said that her clients think, “If I eat a bunch of cheese, and eat a bunch of chocolate cake, it will go to my face or my rear, and I need to go detox.”
Again. Wow!
I’m no scientist, so I didn’t know that chocolate cake was toxic. I’ve eaten tons of chocolate cake in my lifetime, because it’s my favorite food, and it’s never poisoned me. Or at least I don’t think it has, but you never know. I’m keeping my eye on chocolate cake, from now on.
Plus I never knew you needed to detox from chocolate cake. I always thought you needed to detox if you took heroin. But chocolate cake isn’t addictive.
Oh, wait.
Still.
Even if it were, I didn’t realize that brushing your skin would cure you. I thought that the only thing you could do with a brush that would cure you of chocolate cake was to stick it in your mouth.
The brush, not the cake.
And you’ll be happy to know that the spa has a treatment they call FatGirlSlim, which includes body brushing, and another woman says she brushes her body “to stay thin.”
Whoa.
Who knew that brushing your skin would make you thin? I thought you had to diet and exercise to lose weight, but that’s old news, I guess. It seems a lot easier to wake up and brush my body, and I intend to start. After all, I brush my teeth every morning, why not my skin? Then I’ll be MiddleAgedSkinny.
Finally, the article reports that women are now brushing their butts, in the hope that their cellulite will disappear.
I could have told you that would happen. If I thought it would get rid of my cellulite, I’d buy an
“But what about the money?”
“We’re only offering you a fraction of what the car’s worth. If I were you, I’d keep it.”
“But I’m only one person. Why do I need two cars?”
“They’re two different cars. The old one’s a sedan, and the new one’s an SUV.”
I wiped my eyes. “You mean, like shoes? This is the dressy pair?”
He looked nonplussed. “Uh, right.”
“Really?” My heart leapt with happiness. I decided to keep The Mothership. It’s strappy sandals on wheels, if you follow.
Thus ended my first attempt at hardball negotiations, which backfired. Having bargained for the best price on a trade-in, I couldn’t bring myself to trade anything in.
Because I love it.
It sits in my garage, aging happily.
Soon we’ll both be antique.
Priceless.
Brush Off
By Lisa
I just read an article about women who pay $168 to have their bodies brushed.
Good to know. I’d been looking for a new way to blow $168, and now I have one.
Turns out you can go to a spa, get naked, and have your entire body brushed with hard bristles.
A pap smear sounds like more fun to me.
The article said that you can also buy a brush and start brushing your skin at home. One woman said it was like a “morning cup of coffee.”
Also good to know.
To me, the only thing like a morning cup of coffee is a morning cup of coffee. But I’ve been narrow-minded. The woman in the article brushes her skin every morning.
I don’t even brush my hair every morning.
Evidently, brushing the skin was an ancient ritual in Japan and Greece. I didn’t know that either, but to me, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good idea. For example, another ancient ritual from Japan is foot-binding. And one from ancient Greece is democracy.
Look where that got us.
One woman in the article goes regularly to a spa for a body brushing, which she does “to get the toxins out.”
Again, with the toxins.
I’ve read enough about toxins. Everybody’s talking about toxins. To get rid of toxins, people go on fasts, where they don’t eat for a week, or they get colonics, which I’m not going to explain herein.
You can figure it out. People who read are smart.
Smart enough to avoid colonics.
But here’s my question: What toxins do they need to get out of their bodies, and how did the toxins get inside?
In the article, the spa owner said that her clients think, “If I eat a bunch of cheese, and eat a bunch of chocolate cake, it will go to my face or my rear, and I need to go detox.”
Again. Wow!
I’m no scientist, so I didn’t know that chocolate cake was toxic. I’ve eaten tons of chocolate cake in my lifetime, because it’s my favorite food, and it’s never poisoned me. Or at least I don’t think it has, but you never know. I’m keeping my eye on chocolate cake, from now on.
Plus I never knew you needed to detox from chocolate cake. I always thought you needed to detox if you took heroin. But chocolate cake isn’t addictive.
Oh, wait.
Still.
Even if it were, I didn’t realize that brushing your skin would cure you. I thought that the only thing you could do with a brush that would cure you of chocolate cake was to stick it in your mouth.
The brush, not the cake.
And you’ll be happy to know that the spa has a treatment they call FatGirlSlim, which includes body brushing, and another woman says she brushes her body “to stay thin.”
Whoa.
Who knew that brushing your skin would make you thin? I thought you had to diet and exercise to lose weight, but that’s old news, I guess. It seems a lot easier to wake up and brush my body, and I intend to start. After all, I brush my teeth every morning, why not my skin? Then I’ll be MiddleAgedSkinny.
Finally, the article reports that women are now brushing their butts, in the hope that their cellulite will disappear.
I could have told you that would happen. If I thought it would get rid of my cellulite, I’d buy an
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