Read Bad Moon E-Zine #1 - New Moon for Free Online

right? Or I'll have my Trebla on you! What is it,
anyway?"
    "I must humbly
enquire whether you could see fit to replace some of your current
chamberpots with a number of new, ahem, implements that would be
seen as a more balanced approach to your ablutionary activities in
the political, and indeed potty-based, sphere."
    "Well I never!
The very cheek of it!"
    "Both cheeks,
invariably, Your Imperious Majestical One."
    "Don't go
giving me orders about where I should park my regal posterior! I'm
the one who gives the go ahead for what constitutes the royal flush
round here, and nobody else!"
    "It would be
seen by the general populace as a sign of goodwill to them and the
government that stands in their name."
    "Oh, pooh to
the people! They can go wash themselves down the drain for all I
care!"
    "I'll take
that as a no then. Mr Leep will be rather displeased, but be that
as it may, you are the regent, whatever you say must stand, or sit,
depending on what you're up to, or down to."
    "Exactly."

    - § - § - § - § - §
-

    Trebor Leep
was infuriated by the Queen's snooty response, but not entirely
surprised.
    "Well,
Notellingew, I could well foresee this eventuality, which is why I
had another little scheme tucked neatly up my sleeve."
    "A dirty
handkerchief? Do you want to stifle her with it?"
    "No, you
imbecilic buffoon and dunderhead! I mean I have an idea! A crafty
scheme! These new chamberpots that I have had my men design are no
ordinary chamberpots. Oh no, indeed! They're a great deal more
complicated. They perform all the necessary requirements for you,
including the wiping and the finishing off, and can be programmed
to administer all manner of other functions, one of which is to
install themselves in a household and cleanse the entire
surroundings of 'unwanted' materials, which we can of course select
as being the opposing chamberpots, or other unwanted items!"
    "Ah ha! You
shuddering old renegade, you! This way you can slyly infiltrate the
royal influence without anybody ever finding out!"
    "Exactly!
Cheers, old bean!"
    "Odg save the
queen - because we certainly won't!"

    - § - § - § - § - §
-

    At the
allotted hour, on the allotted day, in the allotted place, a lot
was about to happen. Leep had prepared his self-propelling
chamberpots to rise up and overthrow the existing bedpans that were
in place in the palace, thereby controlling the seat of power. His
compatriot Notellingew had issued him with instructions on how to
reach the queen's central chamber, and given him some brief
military advice should a standing, or indeed sitting, battle
ensue.
    "We'll wipe
the floor with these wet water closets!" jeered Leep, readying his
robotic army for release. "On my command, approach! Get ready...
commence!"
    The set of
metallic steam-powered machines moved steadily along, rolling and
sliding up the path towards the palace and onwards to the queen's
chamber. At the entrance to the palace they slipped past the
Gooseeater Guards, who were too busy concentrating on marching to
notice the quietly rolling devices slip by.
    The
chamberpots wove around the palace corridors, navigating them
according to the plans and dimensions laid down by Lord
Notellingew. As they passed one area, a small, china female
figurine twitched and came to life, following the passing devices
with her swivelling eyes. When they had disappeared from sight, she
rose to her feet mechanically and stomped down the hallway after
them, summoning her companions as she went.
    At the
entrance to the queen's bedchamber, a mechanical marionette
standoff took place.
    A set of
automated dolls that looked like many previous princesses of the
realm lined the doorway. These mechanised machines marauded through
the royal halls, smashing into one another, pieces and parts
spilling and splintering everywhere. It was complete and utter
carnage, with crankshafts and cogwheels flying in every direction;
some dolls were walking around with no heads and springs popping
out, while