taller. She had heard. After the door slammed with the woman and Lenka inside, Lumikki stood and looked at the building for another few seconds. It looked just as uninviting as it had at first glance. Lumikki decided that, before her time in Prague ended, she would get through that gate and door, and discover the secrets of the house.
SATURDAY, JUNE 18, EARLY MORNING
Lumikki felt hands fall on her shoulders from behind. She didn’t move; she didn’t make a sound. This was their game called “be like you aren’t.” The idea of the game was to try to go as long as possible staying silent and passive, without turning around. You could follow the other person’s movements as they guided you, but you couldn’t make any advances yourself—at least until you couldn’t take it anymore and lost the game.
Warm hands stroked her shoulders. Slowly, they continued down her arms and then back up. Lumikki felt a warmth following the movement of the hands, which now moved to her neck, lightly caressing it. Ripples of cold and hot ran down Lumikki’s spine. She already wanted to turn, but forced herself to stay still. The shivers swelled to a hot, rushingsensation when lips brushed Lumikki’s neck. A longing sigh almost escaped her lips, but she clenched her teeth and kept quiet.
The hands continued down Lumikki’s sides even as the lips on her neck remained torturously featherlight. Suddenly, the hands dove under the hem of her shirt and stopped for a moment at her belly as if considering which direction to go.
Keep going,
Lumikki felt like begging.
Up or down. I don’t care as long as you keep going.
After a moment’s hesitation, the hands continued upward and reached Lumikki’s bare breasts. At the same time, the lips on her neck began to nibble gently, then more forcefully. Lumikki had to struggle to keep playing the game. She didn’t want to give in yet. She knew the longer she waited, the hotter it would be.
First, the palms caressed the sides of her breasts and then began massaging vigorously. Fingers found Lumikki’s nipples, whose hardness made her feelings clear. Lips moved from the back of her neck to kissing, sucking, and nibbling the side, making her body feel like pure liquid: steaming, luminous desire.
When one hand stayed on her breast and the other slid down, across her stomach, under the edge of her panties and between her legs, a moan of pleasure escaped Lumikki’s lips and she knew she had lost.
And what a blissful defeat it was.
Lumikki woke up covered in sweat. Wet everywhere. She looked at the clock, which said 3:02 a.m. The sheet on top of her was damp, and Lumikki flung it aside. No improvement.The heat of the sweltering night and the aftereffects of her dream held her tight in their grasp.
Why didn’t it end? Why wasn’t she over this?
Lumikki didn’t care about the weather. It was what it was. She couldn’t do anything about it. But why wouldn’t this heartache go away? Why did these dreams torment her? Why did this longing still have her sighing in her sleep even though longing was pointless? It had been a year since then, and the relationship had only lasted one summer. Shouldn’t the memory of a single summer have faded by now? Or at least become less urgent and easier to bear.
As the spring had warmed and summer crept to the door and then burst through, the feeling had only grown worse. The summer heat awoke memories in her limbs and in her skin. A light breeze on her bare arm was like a caress. The sun warmed her like the gaze of her beloved. Woken by the summer, her body longed for the touch she’d felt every day a year ago.
Longing was a feeling that was hard to live with. It didn’t ask permission. It didn’t pay attention to time or place. It was overwhelming and demanding, grasping and selfish. It clouded thoughts or made them too bright, too sharp. Longing demanded unconditional surrender. Lumikki tried to fight it and failed. She didn’t want to long and yet she