Read Ant Farm: And Other Desperate Situations for Free Online

make it. So, in answer to your question: No. I have no idea who won the game.
    —Hey, you look familiar. Have we met?
    —Oh my God, I’ve gained so much weight that you didn’t even recognize me. This is the single most humiliating experience of my life. We dated for seven years .
    —Do you have the time?
    —Shh! It’s 4:26 P.M.!
    —Huh?
    —(whispering) April twenty-sixth, 4:26 P.M. , is an officialminute of silence. Congress created it to honor the 426 men who died in the Great Boise Fire. My father was among those men.
    —Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I’ll stop talking.
    —It doesn’t matter. The minute has already passed.
    —What are you drinking?
    —It’s a cocktail of seven medications. If I don’t drink one of these every thirty seconds, my eyeballs rupture. Oh no … How long have we been talking?
    —Do you come here often?
    —Yes. My brother was murdered at this bar in 1983. I come every year on the anniversary of his death to say a prayer. I miss him so much. I know he’s gone, but part of me still can’t let go. He was stabbed to death in the neck.
    —Are you on the bride’s side or the groom’s?
    —Well, the groom is my brother, and the bride is my wife … I’m sorry, I mean ex -wife. God, that’s going to take some getting used to. I still love her, you know. Even after what she did. (Drinks an entire glass of champagne.) You want to know something? This is the worst day of my life.

jesus
    JESUS : Love each other, for love conquers all.
    THOMAS : Praise the Lord!
    JESUS : If someone attacks you, turn the other cheek.
    THOMAS : Praise the Lord!
    JESUS : Eat my body and my blood.
    THOMAS : Praise the—Wait. What was that last thing?
    JESUS : Eat my body and my blood.
    THOMAS : You mean … symbolically?
    JESUS : No.
    THOMAS : Oh.
    JESUS : Honor thy father and thy mother.
    THOMAS : Wait, hold on. Can we talk about that other thing for a second?
    JESUS : What other thing? Turning the other cheek?
    THOMAS : No, the thing you said after. About eating your body … and … your blood.
    JESUS : What’s there to talk about?

karma
    When I told my friends I was converting to Hinduism, they said I was rushing into things. They’re just jealous because I’m racking up karma points left and right. Check out today’s tally:
9:00 A.M. Brushed teeth.
+2
9:25 A.M. Helped an old woman cross the street.
+50
9:30 A.M. Rubbed old woman’s belly in order to absorb some of her karma.
+20
10:00 A.M. Bet my buddy Greg 50 karmas that I could beat him in a vodka-chugging race.
+50
10:04 A.M . Made awesome “Karma and Greg” joke.
+200
1:00 P.M. Went to homeless shelter.
+100
1:01 P.M. Pretended to be homeless in order to receive free soup.
−10
1:05 P.M. Traded the soup to a real homeless man in exchange for all his karmas.
+3,500
5:00 P.M. Constructed Hindu idol out of styrofoam.
+75
5:45 P.M. Carried the styrofoam idol to a Hindu temple and threatened to destroy it if the priests didn’t give me all of their karmas.
+35,000
8 P.M. Stole.
−15
11:00 P.M. Vegetarian snack.
+20
Next Life
= Dragon

repent
    According to evangelical Christians, anyone who accepts Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Even murderers can enter Heaven, as long as they have faith. As you can imagine, it gets pretty awkward up there when murderers run into people that they’ve killed.
    MURDERER : Hey, you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?
    VICTIM : (Terrified screaming.)
    MURDERER : Oh, yeah. Now I remember.
    VICTIM : How did you get up here?
    MURDERER : I’m not really sure. Someone sent me a Bible while I was on death row. I guess at some point I must have internalized parts of it?
    VICTIM : So … they gave you the death penalty?
    MURDERER : Yeah. Not for killing you, though. For killing some other people. Children.
    VICTIM : Oh.
    MURDERER : Nobody knows you’re dead yet. I hid you in a weird place.
    VICTIM : …
    MURDERER : Listen, I’m really sorry about what happened.