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If it makes you feel any better, I told a priest about it afterward. He made me say, like, fifty prayers.
    VICTIM : How many people did you murder?
    MURDERER : Four hundred. But I’ve only run into three or four of them so far. I guess not everyone makes it into Heaven, huh? Hey look, there’s Jesus.
    JESUS : Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Prodigal Son! (Laughs, puts arm around murderer’s shoulder.) Seriously, it’s great to have you aboard.
    MURDERER : Jesus, I want you to meet someone. This is…um… geez. This is pretty embarrassing. What’s your name again?
    JESUS : Sorry I can’t stay and meet your friend, but I have to go welcome in some other murderers. So long!
    MURDERER : Guess he was in a rush, huh? Oh well. I’ll try to introduce you some other time.

——————————————
a conversation between god
and the man in a football helmet
and a speedo who’s always
shouting things next to the a&p
    —How’d it go today? Win any followers?
    —I’m afraid not, God. I’m sorry.
    —You told them the news, right? That the world is ending in four days?
    —Yes.
    —And you made the sign, like I told you? With all the information about the apocalypse?
    —Of course.
    —Did you try that thing I came up with, where you start swinging your arms around really fast while saying “The end is coming, the end is coming”?
    —(sighing) Yes.
    —And still no one listened! I can’t believe this. How can I prepare mankind for the apocalypse if they ignore the words of my prophet?
    —I actually had a thought today, God. I was thinking, maybe if I wore something a little more socially acceptable …
    —I have a strict dress code for my prophets: helmet, Speedo.
    —I know, I don’t mean to second-guess you! I just think people would respond better if I wore a suit.
    —Did you do the thing where you start hitting your helmet with both fists to get people’s attention, and then when they finally look at you, you just start screaming and pointing at the sign?
    —Yes. A lot.
    —Then I guess we have no choice. Construct a gown out of aluminum foil and gird yourself with it.
    —Again?
    —Do as I say.
    —I really don’t think that’s going to work.
    —Of course it will! Think about it. If you saw a guy dressed entirely in foil, would you ignore him? No. You’d sit down and listen to what he had to say.
    —Listen, God, I’m honored that you chose me to be your prophet—and it’s been a really exciting thirty-five years, don’t get me wrong. But I’m starting to think that maybe you should ask someone else to deliver your message. Like a senator, maybe? Or a minister?
    —Impossible. You are the prophet I have chosen.
    —Well, maybe I should at least leave the A&P. The manager keeps sending out someone with a broom to chase me off the lot. It’s pretty humiliating.
    —Yeah, I saw that. That was pretty bad.
    —Did you see when all the foil fell off while I was running away? So that I was completely naked, except for the helmet?
    —Yeah. That probably set us back a little. Maybe you should move to the side of the highway? I’m sure we’ll have more luck there.
    —Okay.
    —And I want you to make your sign bigger.
    —Sure.
    —And one more thing.
    —What?
    —Keep your head up.
    —(Laughs.) Thanks, God.

the odds
    The odds of winning the lottery are statistically equal to the odds of getting mauled by a circus animal. The last guy to win the lottery was Al Romano. He won $80 million playing Powerball. The last guy to get mauled by a circus animal was Sam Ortle. He was attacked by a bear. I thought it would be neat to introduce these guys.
    ME : Well, I’m sure you guys have a lot to talk about. See you later! (Exits.)
    AL : Hi.
    SAM : Hi. Congratulations on winning the lottery.
    AL : Thanks! I’m really sorry … about your misfortune.
    SAM : It had to happen to someone, I guess.
    AL : How did it happen, exactly? Do you work for the circus?
    SAM : No, I work for a computer