Read A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Ersatz Elevator for Free Online Page A

do seem quite alarmed. Perhaps we should--" "Perhaps we should listen to me," Esme said, pointing one long-nailed finger at herself. "I am Esme Gigi Geniveve Squalor, the city's sixth most important financial advisor. I live on Dark Avenue, and I am unbelievably wealthy." "I know that, dear," Jerome said. "I live with you." "Well, if you want to continue to live with me, you will call this man by his proper name, and this goes for you three children as well. I go to the trouble of buying you some smashing pinstripe suits, and you start accusing people of being in disguise!" "It is O.K., please," Count Olaf said. "The children are confused." "We're not confused, Olaf," Violet said. Esme turned to Violet and gave her an angry glare. "You and your siblings will call this man Gunther," she ordered, "or you will make me very, very sorry I took you into my glamorous home." Violet looked at Klaus, and then at Sunny, and quickly made a decision. Arguing with somebody is never pleasant, but sometimes it is useful and necessary to do so. Just the other day, for example, it was useful and necessary for me to have an unpleasant argument with a medical student, because if he hadn't let me borrow his speedboat I would now be chained inside a very small, waterproof room, instead of sitting in a typewriter factory typing out this woeful tale. But Violet realized that it was neither useful nor necessary to argue with Esme, because her guardian had clearly made up her mind about Gunther. It would be more useful and necessary to leave the penthouse and try to figure out what to do about the reappearance of this dreadful villain, instead of standing there and bickering over what name to call him, so Violet took a deep breath and smiled up at the man who had brought so much trouble into the Baudelaire lives. "I'm sorry, Gunther," she said, almost choking on her false apology. "But--" Klaus started to argue, but Violet gave him a look that meant the Baudelaires would discuss the matter later, when there weren't any adults around. "That's right," he said quickly, understanding his sister's glance at once. "We thought you were someone else, sir." Gunther reached up to his face and adjusted his monocle. "O.K., please," he said. "It's so much nicer when no one is arguing," Jerome said. "Come on, children, let's go to dinner. Gunther and Esme have to plan the auction, and they need the apartment to themselves." "Let me just take a minute to roll up my sleeves," Klaus replied. "Our suits are a little big." "First you complain that Gunther is an impostor, then you complain about your suits," Esme said, rolling her eyes. "I guess it goes to show you that orphans can be in and rude at the same time. Come on, Gunther, let me show you the rest of my glorious apartment." "See you later, please," Gunther said to the children, his eyes shining brightly, and gave them a little wave as he followed Esme down the hallway. Jerome waved back, but as soon as Gunther was around the corner, he leaned in close to the children. "That was very nice of you to stop arguing with Esme," he said. "I could tell that you weren't completely convinced you had made a mistake about Gunther. But don't worry. There is something we can do to set your minds at ease." The Baudelaires looked at one another and smiled in relief. "Oh, thank you, Jerome," Violet said. "What did you have in mind?" Jerome smiled, and knelt down to help Violet roll up the legs of her suit. "I wonder if you can guess," he said. "We could make Gunther take off his boots," she said, "and we could see if he had Olaf's tattoo." "Or we could make him remove his monocle and unfurrow his brow," Klaus said, as he rolled up his sleeves, "and we could get a better look at his eyebrow situation." "Resyca!" Sunny said, which meant something like "Or you could simply ask him to leave the penthouse, and never return!" "Well, I don't know what 'Resyca!' means," Jerome said, "but we're not going to do those other things. Gunther