Read A Pelican at Blandings for Free Online Page B

Someone has to be. Beach, you see before you a
bison making for the water hole with its blackened tongue
hanging out.'
    'I shall be taking the tea into the drawing-room shortly, Mr.
Galahad.'
    'Tea is no good to me. I want port. And in any case I
wouldn't go to the drawing-room. It will be full of Society's
lowest dregs. As a matter of fact, one of my motives in coming
to your pantry was to discuss those dregs with you and get your
opinion of them.'
    Beach was pursing his lips a little as he produced a second
glass and prepared to play the host. His guest, he perceived,
was about to be frank about the castle's personnel, and he knew
that he ought to disapprove. But though his lips were pursed,
there was a gleam in his eyes. As a butler he deplored Mr.
Galahad's habit of gossiping with the domestic staff, but as a
man he simply loved it.
    'What, to start with, do you make of this chap Chesney?'
said Gally.
    It was a subject on which Beach held strong views. His reply
was austere.
    'He is not what I have been accustomed to, Mr. Galahad.'
    'And you've seen some pretty weird specimens in your time.'
    'I have indeed, sir.'
    'Remember the fellow who wanted to eat jam with his fish?'
    'Very vividly, sir.'
    'And the one who put water in his claret?'
    'Please, Mr. Galahad. I have been trying to forget him.'
    'I have yet to observe Chesney at the dinner table, but I
imagine he stops short of those awful extremes. Still, I know
what you mean when you say he's not what you've been
accustomed to. He's obviously a crook.'
    'Indeed, Mr. Galahad?'
    'No question about it. I can tell them a mile off.'
    'It seems strange that he should be a friend of Mr.
Frederick.'
    'I don't suppose he is. Probably just a casual acquaintance he
picked up in a bar. Freddie wouldn't see anything wrong with
him, and he would give a letter of introduction to anyone who
asked him.'
    'But what—'
    '—makes me think he's a crook? He tried to sell Clarence oil
stock. And though you may say that that's only what John D.
Rockefeller used to do when he met people, I find the fact
damning. Be very careful how you have dealings with
Chesney, Beach.'
    'I will indeed, sir.'
    'We now come to His Grace the Duke of Dunstable, and
this is where we really shudder. You will agree with me, I
think, that his presence at it would lower the tone of a silver
ring bookies' social and outing picnic?'
    Though his words were music to Beach's ears, for the Duke
was no favourite of his, routine called for a mild protest.
    'It is scarcely for me, Mr. Galahad, to express derogatory
opinions of the guests whom her ladyship sees fit to invite
to—'
    'All right, I get your point. But however much you may wear
the mask, you know in your heart that he's utterly devoid of all
the finer instincts which raise Man above the level of the beasts
that perish. He's a twister to end all twisters.'
    'Sir?'
    'Well, look at the way he's doing down the unfortunate
Trout.'
    'I am afraid I do not understand you, Mr. Galahad.'
    'Only because you weren't there when he was telling me that
    story on the train. It appears that there is a harmless innocent American
    of the name of Wilbur Trout whose only fault is that he marries rather too
    often, which is the sort of thing that might happen to anyone. King Solomon,
    if you remember, had the same tendency. Well, Trout saw a picture in the window
    of an art gallery which was the image of his latest wife. She divorced him
    recently, but in spite of that he still loves her. He was planning to buy
    the picture, to remind him of her, and was ass enough to tell Dunstable so,
    with the result, of course, that Dunstable nipped in ahead of him and bought
    it, so as to be able to sell it to him at an exorbitant price. He knows Trout
    wants the thing so badly that he will cough up anything he's asked, even unto
    half his kingdom. What do you think of that for chiselling and skulduggery,
    Beach?'
    'Tut, tut.'
    'You may well say Tut, tut. I wouldn't blame you if