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tray, and his taco salad went sailing through the air, and ended up all over Lana.

    Seriously. There was salsa in her hair.

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    What could Tina and I do but high-five each other?

    But amazingly, things got even BETTER after that. Because Michael actually skipped his Computer Club meeting to sit next to me!!!!!

    I couldn’t believe it, but suddenly, there he was, saying he obviously couldn’t trust the male population of Albert Einstein High School not to scam on his girlfriend while his back was turned, so he was going to guard me with his life!!!! Because of Kenny and the Whitman’s Sampler!!!!!!

    Which I thought was so cute—even though, okay, as a feminist I should have been offended because, of course, I don’t need any man to defend me from the unwanted advances of others, since I am perfectly capable of applying a well-placed heel to the testicular area, like Lars showed me that time we were doing krav maga self-defense techniques in the event someone should try to kidnap me—I suddenly forgot all about my shyness over giving him the Valentine I’d made, and my fears over how dorky he—and everyone else at my lunch table—might 68 9 The Princess Diaries

    think it is. Instead, I just pulled it out of my backpack, and handed it to him. And my mom was right!!!!! MICHAEL

    TOTALLY  LOVED  IT!!!!!

    Of course, it wasn’t just an ORDINARY

    Valentine: It was a little book I made, with tear-out coupons for things Michael can ask me to do, like take Pavlov for a walk, or give him a neck massage (Michael, not Pavlov), or kiss him (I put in, like, four of those!!!). All Michael has to do when he wants me to do one of these things is rip out the coupon and hand it to me. Which he did right away (one of
     

    the kiss coupons).

    So we practically made out at the lunch table until Lars and Tina’s bodyguard, Wahim, started clearing their throats, and Lilly was all, “OH, GOD. GET

    A ROOM!”

    Mom was right: The point of Valentine’s Day ISN’T what you get, but what you give. TOTALLY. Oh my God, it was so great.

    Um, well, except for the part right after that when Boris—I guess inspired by Michael’s reaction Valentine Princess 9 69

    to my Valentine—suddenly took his violin out of its case and, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, started

    playing “The Music of the Night” from The Phantom of the Opera, inching closer and closer to Lilly, until finally his bow was all up in her face, and we looked at the end of it, and dangling from it was the genuine simulated ruby heart pendant from Kay Jewelers.

    And Lilly, instead of being all, “Aw, thanks, Boris, how sweet,” was like, “What’s THIS?” and

    “How did THAT get on your bow?”

    And Boris finally had to stop playing and be like,

    “Happy Valentine’s Day, Lilly. It’s for you. I hope you like it.”

    And Lilly was all, “Oh my God, you actually got me that dorky necklace from Kay’s?” with this big smirk on her face.

    I couldn’t believe it! Even now it pains me to have to record that my best friend would say something so cruel. Tina went white as a sheet, and Michael looked angry, and poor Boris looked as if he’d been slapped!

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    So I went, “Oh my God, Boris, it’s so beautiful!”

    and “That was so thoughtful of him, wasn’t it, Lilly?” while kicking her VERY HARD beneath the lunch table.
     

    And finally Lilly, after giving me a bunch of dirty looks and going, “What?” like ten times, went,

    “Oh. Yeah. Thanks, Boris. That was nice. But, you know, I don’t really approve of gemstones because of the conditions under which the people who mine them in Africa have to live.”

    “They’re simulated,” Tina explained to her, in a strangled voice.

    And Lilly just went, “Oh.”

    But by that time Boris had put his violin away and slunk off.

    “Nice job,” Michael said to his sister sarcastically. But Lilly just got all indignant, and went, “Oh, whatever! Like you