think of any reason Heather would be prompted to ask you to come back?”
Heather could want her to come back for a gazillion different reasons. “Most likely, it’s the usual. I want to get off the medication. She doesn’t.” Aside from a lengthy analysis of the mothering role her sister took on and the importance of weaning and balancing and setting goals. They’d all been over and over it. “It’s like she needs me to be sick.”
“ Sadie knows that’s not true and she knows why,” Heather said. “And my reasons haven’t changed. They are the same reasons I didn’t want her to move out. I want what’s best for Sadie.”
“ I can’t paint at Heather’s.” Painting. Elijah. His ruddy sienna eyes, unforgettable from the first moment across the re-shelving counter, in dreams became a fathomless azure, amid a slew of impossible blues. A dance of dusky kisses. He had a secret to entrust. She couldn’t tell a soul.
Sadie could feel the dream still. So vivid.
Her throat ached even now. She had to steer the conversation elsewhere. “Heather should have a baby,” Sadie blurted out. “If she had a child to fuss over, she would worry less about me.”
She saw the sting in her sister’s hazel eyes. Regret punched through her. Too close to the truth, she knew, but if she revealed the truth, what would they do?
Dr. Meyers tilted her head, her pen suspended mid tap. “Has Heather discussed wanting children?”
Sadie winced. “Yes.”
Heather crossed her arms. She’d confided the very private business to Sadie today under sworn secrecy. She sent Heather an apologetic glance, wishing she could understand. Heather wasn’t having it. Hot anger burned in her stare.
“ Do you feel like her child?” Dr. Meyers asked.
Yes. “Sometimes.”
“ I’m not mothering. I’m her sister.”
“ She forgets that I was once every bit as independent and capable as her. More so, even.” That fact rankled her most. Sadie was older by almost two years yet, suddenly, in the wake of one night two years ago, Heather’s maturity had grown overblown. She already wanted children!
“ But you aren’t now,” Heather said carefully. “And I want to keep you safe.”
“ Right.” More like Heather displaced her grief over losing their mother, the event that may or may not have precipitated Sadie’s hospitalization, and clung to caring for Sadie as a coping mechanism.
Sadie’s move - in with Jen had further strained their relationship. At first, Heather came by every day, then every other. Finally, the daily annoying phone calls subsided. Sadie should pick up a thank you card for Remy because no way Heather let off on her own.
Maybe a baby would be good for Heather.
Sadie’s attention snapped back to the room. Had Dr. Meyers asked another question? How long had she been lost in thought? Too much pressure. If she could just tell someone. Someone who wouldn’t filter it through a ‘ Sadie’s crazy ’ lens.
Not Jen. Jen might tell Heather.
Dr. Meyers blinked. “Let’s get back to your sleeping , then. Have you had trouble getting to sleep?”
She touched her cheek. Even if she’d remembered to scrub up at work, the paint wouldn’t — then it hit her. She could tell Ben! Oh yes, of course, Ben. He would know. He would understand. Relief washed over her. She’d almost told him earlier anyhow, right? Plus, he already knew about Elijah, already knew she’d wrecked her cart smack into him today. “No,” she finally replied. “No trouble.”
“ Sadie,” Heather said warningly.
“ Really. I’ve been sleeping great.” Ben would listen. She would invite him over tonight. Ben would play down her complete ineptitude then sigh right along with her over her gorgeous dreams. And if he then knew too much, so be it. She’d be off meds so soon it wouldn’t matter. In days, really.
The aching pressure to confess released. Then, stupidly, she got curious. “Why?”
“ I’m curious about the dark shadows