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would stare off into space at an adversary only he could see, and within a matter of minutes his entire body would shake with fear, the alien voice that had taken over his mind convincing him that he was worthless and stupid that was why he had never had a girlfriend, why everyone laughed at him and made fun of him behind his back, and why his whole life would come apart at the seams the day he handed over the compact disc at the airport. He would be arrested and sentenced to a life in prison, being gang-raped in showers. The panic attacks only lasted several minutes, but the irrational thoughts lingered in his mind for hours. Conway had witnessed it firsthand.
    Dixon's therapist wanted to put him on the antianxiety drug Paxil. Dix refused. Meds were for sickos, the sort of thing a loser used to keep it together. Besides, he did not have a problem. It was stress, that's all, nothing to worry about, it would all pass. He was in total control and had everything together.
    Dixon removed his glasses from his pocket, put them on, and looked over at the Cessna parked on the runway. The oval lenses magnified the nervous intensity of his small, birdlike eyes.
    "You throw up your first time?" he asked.
    "No, but I thought I would." Conway saw an opening and tried again.
    "Dix, if you're throwing up now, you'll do it again once we're in the plane."
    "I'll be fine."
    "A guy with a stomach condition shouldn't be going skydiving."
    "A stomach condition?" Dixon snorted.
    "I don't have a stomach condition, I just ate too much food, that's all. Indigestion and a little stress. No big deal."
    "I've seen the empty bottles of Maalox, Dix."
    Dixon's face tightened.
    "I know about all those trips to the bathroom, I've smelled the mouthwash. You've been throwing up for weeks now."
    Dixon scratched the corner of his eye, his tongue working the back of his molars.
    "You saying I can't pull this off?"
    "I'm not saying that," Conway said, choosing his tone and words with care.
    "What I am saying is on the biggest day of your life, you don't suddenly decide to do something as risky as skydiving without a specific reason."
    "You didn't have one."
    "What are you talking about?"
    "On the morning of your twenty-first birthday, your friend John Riley picked you up and didn't tell you where you were going. He just pulled right into the skydiving school. You had no idea."
    Conway didn't remember telling Dix the story.
    "Don't you remember? Last year, when Riley was in town, he told " "Why do you have to do this today?" Conway asked, again.
    Dix rubbed the corner of his mouth with his thumb, his eyes focused on the runway where the pilot was loading gear into the plane.
    "I'm your friend," Conway said.
    "You can trust me."
    "Your first time out? You told me when you jumped it was the most exhilarating experience you ever had. That when your feet hit the ground you felt like you were painted with magic, all confident, like you had the world by the balls." Dixon's gaze dropped to the ground, but he wouldn't look over at Conway.
    "I never felt that way in my entire life."
    Conway had his words ready. Don't. Let him have his moment or you'll push him away. He drank his coffee and waited.
    "That's how I want to feel today," Dixon said.
    "I want to jump out of that plane and shed my old skin."
    "Then let's go tomorrow. Let's go to a bar and relax, and then we'll go to the airport and " "No," Dixon said. Something in Dixon's face changed.
    "It has to be today."
    Again with the urgency. Why?
    "Dix, if something happens to you in the air and you can't make it to the airport, you can't call up our man and ask him to reschedule."
    Conway could feel the anger creeping into his voice and didn't care.
    "The deal will be off and then where will we be?"
    "You know, I thought you, of all people, would be happy that I decided to do something like this." He had the wounded look of a man who had shared a deeply held secret only to have it ridiculed.
    "Dixon, listen to me."
    "No,