even stopped feeling frightened and started feeling almost normal, if not accepted. I stood up tall again and stopped trying to hide my boobs under my arms. I spoke up in class. I let myself laugh out loud when Joy was being funny. IÂ really thought that Iâd come through the worst and that everything was going to be all right.
But all of that changed after everyone found out that Iâd had sex with Luke Goddard.
Eight
â D onât screw your eyes up!â Beth yelled at me.
âSorry!â I said, but it is hard not to screw your eyes up when your twelve-year-old is coming at you with a mascara wand. I didnât usually let Beth do my make-up, but sheâd shown me this article in one of her magazines about how to make your eyes look bigger.
âYour eyes are a bit small,â sheâd said, cocking her head to one side as she looked at me. âIâll do your eyes for you.â
Several layers of color later I caught my mumâs eye as Beth studied my old and tatty make-up collection. Mum winked at me.
âYou havenât got any pink,â Beth said. âPink is totally the best color for bringing out blue eyes, it says here.â She waved the magazine article at me and I looked at the face of the model with her perfectly smooth, blemish-free skin.
âOr making you look like youâve got an eye infection,â Mum said, chuckling into her cup of tea.
âItâs fashion, Nan,â Beth said, shooting Mum a look over her shoulder. âYou must have had fashion too when you were alive!â
âIâm not dead yet,â my mum said, but she wasnât cross.
âAm I going to look like her?â I said nodding at the model. Beth laughed.
âDonât be mad,â she said. âSheâs about sixteen and anyway itâs all done on computers now. Sheâs probably got bags under her eyes and loads of spots. Everyone knows that magazine models arenât real.â She turned back to me and surveyed my face. âYou need pink. I think Iâve got some pink in my room,â she said brightly. âIâll get it.â
I turned to my mum.
âWhatâs it like?â I asked her, pointing at my face.
âItâs like youâve had one of those extreme makeovers from off the telly and itâs gone really wrong,â Mum said, her voice wobbling with a hidden laugh. I picked up my make-up mirror.
She was right.
âIâll redo it later,â I said. âWhen I get to the pub.â
âWhat, go out of the house like that?â Mum exclaimed. âI donât know why you let her do it in the first place,â she said, handing me a cup of tea. âSometimes I think sheâs too bossy for her own good, that girl. You shouldnât let her bully you.â
A flash of anger shot across my face.
âShe is not a bully,â I said sharply.
âNo, no. I didnât mean that,â Mum said quickly. âYou know what I mean.â
âI know that she likes to feel involved. She likes to feel a part of it,â I said. âI would hate her to think I was going out there to find a bloke without her having any say in it.â
Mum sat down at the kitchen table and looked at me. âYou have to do some things just for you,â she said. âThatâs what I thought all this computer dating stuff is about.â I stared at the reflection of the kitchen light shimmering in the surface of my cup of tea.
âYou think all this is stupid, donât you?â I asked Mum. âAll this dating stuff.â I looked up at Mumâs face, but her expression did not change.
âI donât think that, love,â she said carefully. âI want you to get someone in your life. Itâs just . . . you havenât always made the right choices, Sam. I just want you to be careful. And so does your father,â she added, because she thought I paid more attention to Dad