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smiling, although with the natural curve of her mouth it might have appeared that she was.
    'Some joker', she said, 'has removed the sign from your door and changed the number.'
    Mr Shields blew out his cheeks. 'I wonder who might have done that,' he said. 'So how can I help you, young woman?'
    'I am Kelly Anna Sirjan and I have been sent by head office. You were expecting me, I believe.'
    'Somewhat earlier, but yes. Would you care for a cup of tea?'
    'I would.'
    'Splendid. Well Derek here will show you where the tea things are and you can make us all one.'
    Kelly Anna shook her head. 'I don't make tea,' she said.
    'Well, never mind. We have coffee.'
    'Nor coffee.' Kelly Anna shook her head. It was a definite bit of head-shaking. It signified that she definitely didn't make either tea or coffee. Definitely, absolutely, not.
    'Ah,' said the editor. 'Ah, well indeed.'
    Kelly Anna gave the office a thorough looking-over. It was not a thing of great beauty to behold and she beheld it with distaste.
    Beside the window stood the editor's desk, with.the editor behind it. The editor and the editor's desk both looked most untidy. The editor was shabbily dressed in the ruins of a once tweed suit. The desk was a mayhem of papers and books and paper cups and ashtrays and old-fashioned telephones, mostly off the hook. There were pictures on the walls, group shots, framed front pages, yellow with age. And these hung at angles just untrue enough to annoy the fastidious. The carpet "was grey and bare of thread. Filing cabinets were open and most looked empty within.
    'Has there been a robbery?' asked Kelly Anna Sirjan.
    'Sorry? What?' The editor glanced all around.
    'A robbery,' said Kelly. 'Perhaps someone broke in to steal those unpacked boxes of Mute Corp computer parts. Perhaps they were disturbed during the process and only managed to ransack the office.'
    'You are a very rude young woman,' said the editor. 'Dismiss all thoughts of having sex with me.'
    The only tidy thing resident to the office made a ghastly swallowing sound and said, 'Please forgive Mr Shields. He's been under a lot of pressure recently. My name is Derek and I am the
Mercury's
features editor. Can / get you a cup of tea?'
    Kelly Anna looked at Derek and nodded her golden head. Derek wore a neat grey suit with a pressed white collarless shirt. He was young and tall and slim and handsome with short black hair and emerald eyes. And those eyes looked her full in the face and never once strayed to her breasts.
    'Thank you Derek,' said Kelly Anna Sirjan. 'Lady Grey, without sugar.'
    'Lady Grey, right.' Derek chewed his bottom lip. 'I might have to send out for that.'
    'Well, whatever you have will be fine.'
    'Fine. Then if you'll follow me, I'll show you around the building on the way.'
    Derek led Kelly Anna from the office and closed the door behind him. The editor sat and fumed at his desk and made a very fierce face.
     
    The face of Periwig Tombs was smiling sweetly. The tour bus was passing the allotments now and Big Bob Charker was singing the praises of Brentford's horti-culturalists.
    'Twenty-three different varieties of tomato,' Big Bob said into the microphone. 'Twenty-three different varieties of sprout. And the mighty oak trees at the riverside end are the natural habitat of the lesser spotted grebe and the piebald finch chuck-chuck fiddledum bird.'
    'Eh?' went Periwig as he swung the wheel. But his brain was roaring forward.
Take a safari through the wildlife
sanctuary and rare bird reserve of Allotment World. Enjoy a sprout and grebe burger at Periwigs, the exclusive allotment
eatery.
    'Big bare-bottomed bumbly bees,' said the voice of Big Bob Charker. 'Busy busy bumble bees and Walter the Wasp as well.'
     
    'Waspish,' said Kelly Anna Sirjan. 'Waspish, ill-mannered and clearly a misogynist.'
    She sat opposite Derek at a window table in the Plume Cafe. The Plume Cafe sat at the top end of the High Street. The Plume Cafe boasted twenty-two different varieties