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finding new questions with each DAY. I don’t need to say DAY anymore. I can say today now without wanting to scream because I am beginning to feel more of a sense of time now. Beginning to understand how time passes, and yet does not, pass here. I can say “TODAY” because I was walking the sleep and was not aware, and now I am aware, so that was not now, and now was not then. But conscious enough I am to say “TODAY.” If I do not walk the sleep for extended periods, I can see days pass. DAY. That is comforting somehow.
    Yet I fear of becoming a stayer sometimes. From what I have seen of stayers, most aren’t that agreeable. Some are pure fuckers. Some are people I wouldn’t waste two minutes on in life, but I spend what seems like hours and days talking with them. They aren’t all like Sam but at least there are others that can hear me now. It happens slowly like a fog melting off the bay in San Francisco. A rare warm day is promising and the sun begins to burn through, slowly, imperceptibly, the fog begins to lift, and then it starts to clear up. And people, who seem to try, can sometimes hear you, and you them, and then you might pass enough conversation to know that you either like them, or you don’t. Not dead. Not alive. ALIVE. DEAD. It just IS. There are some days so beautiful here I have to sit and cry. I never realized how beautiful things could be when I was on that side and that is the truth.
    Not as angry. As often. Not feeling sad. Well, not all the time. I get confused sometimes when the line between walking the sleep and being AWAKE gets blurry, but for the most part, I don’t mind walking the sleep as much as before. Now there is an altered state that is very hard to describe. I guess it is not always completely unpleasant. Have you ever been watching a movie on your television set and started drifting off? And the images and sounds of a dream, mixed with the real sounds of the television are slamming into your brain in rapid fashion? They begin to mix and swirl. You start to drift and then you come back, and then the dream takes you for a second and then you snap back? A slow dance of reality, and dream, of real sound, and brain sound, memory sound, and sights, and pictures, and words, and electricity. And what was that pounding?
    Is it someone at the fucking door? No bother. It’s kind of like that and not always unpleasant, just longer it seems. I dream a lot now. I’m walking the sleep but I have a sense of awareness in my dreams. I can recall places I’ve walked and people I’ve seen. So, it’s not always so upsetting as it was to me before. In the beginning. When this started. When that ended. Before, it seemed as if I were just gone… and then I was. GONE. And I had no idea why I had begun walking the sleep, where I had walked, and what had transpired. Now it seems more natural and I can very nearly feel it coming on. And in that, I also see things that I feel like I remember wanting to know.
    Now if these things are real and true, I cannot be sure of because they are in fact dreams and yet, they are the dreams of awareness too. I’m seeing things and hearing things that I may not be fully, consciously, aware of. The difference between your dreams and my dreams is very clearly in that respect, different. You are curled up in your bed and seeing things and hearing things, that for the most part, your brain is feeding part of your subconscious. I am actually walking as I sleep…I am walking the sleep. I actually hear things, and see things when I am asleep. Some of these things are happening as I am walking, some of these things happened in the past, but I am there as surely as you are here. Yet like dreams, drunken dreams, things start running together and they start getting confusing. When you wake up, you can blink, rub your eyes, look at the clock, and know. Know that crazy shit flying through your head, the feelings, the fear, the sadness, the good, the bad, the yearning….you