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of mind to lock it.
    "Can I come in?" It was Char, not Sam.
    "I guess." I rolled over and fixed my jeans before sitting up.
    She came and sat on the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry we pushed."
    I nodded keeping my eyes downcast. What were they going to think of me tomorrow? If I lost them as friends, I didn't know what I would do.
    "It's all right. It's just not for me, and I don't want it to come between our friendship." I blew out a breath and stared at the wall, knowing Sam was some place behind. It was a lie, and I hoped to God she couldn't see through it.
    "You may not think of yourself as conventional, or cut out for love, but you know what, Steven? You’re the most amazing guy I know and that includes Sam. You deserve love." She took one of my hands in hers. "Look at me."
    I obeyed. She had a bit of mascara smudged in the corners of her bright eyes, and her lipstick was mostly worn off. I wondered if some of it resided on my abs. The thought made me smile a little.
    "I understand if it can't be us. But think about it. We don't trust anyone as much as you, and it won't change anything, we promise. Even if you don't like it." She rubbed her thumb over mine. "Think about it, please?"
    I swallowed hard and nodded. "Okay."
    “Just so you know, I made Sam let me talk to you first." She got up and left and was soon replaced by him.
    He closed the door and lingered at the foot of the bed. I gave him one look then flopped to my back to stare at the ceiling.
    "I was trying..."
    "I don't want to be thrown a bone by you and your girlfriend. I love Char to death, but this feels so wrong." Tears burned at the corners of my eyes.
    When he didn't answer, I picked up my head to look at him. He opened and closed his mouth a few times.
    "I wasn't looking for a hook up when I told you. I'm not even sure what the feelings mean. I just had to get it off my chest."
    "You said that." He pushed a hand into his hair. He looked worn out.
    I dropped my head back to the pillows. "Why'd you do this?"
    "I was trying to help. Charlie brought it up last summer before we came here."
    I sat straight up, my eyes wide. "What?"
    "Not like that. I mean, she wanted to see if we could find someone who might like to join us on occasion. We talked about a girl, but when I brought you up the other day, she jumped on it." He crawled up on the bed, coming up behind me to nuzzle into the back of my neck.
    I sighed and leaned into him. It was almost impossible to resist him. “Why, Sam? You said yourself you're not gay."
    Again he didn't answer.
    "If you're not going to speak, it's not going to happen." I stared to pull out of his embrace, but he wrapped an arm around my chest and tightened his grip.
    "Maybe I'm bi-curious, but it's different with you." I felt him blow out a breath over the back of my neck. “Plus, I already do this stuff with you." He ran his nose up the nape of my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. "And kissing you made me hard."
    I couldn't help the smile that curled over my lips. "I kind of like hearing that."
    The fact that he was attracted to me mended some of the hurt over him not loving me. Or did it? When he finally got up and left me to my thoughts, my mind wandered. Was I really happy to have attraction over love? Attraction baffled me. I'd gone so long without feeling it and now for those feelings to surface after so long. I was so fucked up. There couldn't even be an explanation for what I was.
    Who wanted lust which faded? The more I worked the thought over in my mind, I wasn't sure. Did that mean my body and looks were better than my mind? I forced my hands into my hair, yanking on it and wishing for sleep. I couldn't let him take up any more of my thoughts. It was already slowly eating me from the inside out.
    He didn’t love me. He didn’t love me. He never said he loved me.
    It dug in and rooted its way into the pit of my insecurity, telling me I wasn't good enough, that I didn't deserve love. I buried my face in the pillow as