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Julian’s mangled body over and done with, as frankly the reality can’t be any worse than what I’m imagining.
          ‘Oh my God,’ gasps Fiona, putting on her glasses.
          ‘Holy f-f-fuck,’ says Alistair.
    I stare at my ransacked living room and feel myself wobble. The coffee table has been turned over and the contents of the bedroom drawers have been slung all around the room. I stupidly find myself hoping that Alistair doesn’t notice my holey k nickers, and worse still, my dual-pleasure vibrator that is lying on the couch along with the Bound To Tease Suede Flogger. I can’t very well call Alistair a bucking pervert now, not with that lot strewn all over the place can I? Not that Julian and I are into bondage you understand. He bought it as a Christmas present, just for a bit of fun, but I giggled so much every time he produced it that we didn’t get round to all that much flogging, although right now I could flog him well and proper. What is the bugger thinking of arsing if off down the A40?
          ‘What’s that?’ Alistair asks nervously.
          ‘It’s for swatting flies,’ I lie.
    My mobile rings and both Fiona and I scream. I pull the phone from my bag and see it is Julian. Thank God.
          ‘Julian where the hell are you, and what’s happened, the flat is is is …’
          ‘The flat’s fucked,’ finishes Alistair, walking out of the bedroom. ‘The whole p-p-place is wrecked.’
          ‘Do you want your Valium?’ Fiona asks, pulling the bottle from her handbag with shaky hands.
          ‘Of c-c-course not, I’m not a drug addict.’
          ‘You don’t mind if I have another one do you?’ she says throwing two into her mouth and shuddering.
          ‘I’m sorry Harry. I would have phoned but I’ve been terrified to stop. I wanted to get as far away as possible.’
    In my Mini I wouldn’t think that could be further than Clapham.
          ‘Jesus, they’re bloody psychopaths Harry. They were going to cut off my ear and send it to my mother.’
          ‘Shit. I never imagined they could be that aggressive,’ I say, picturing the youths downstairs, while remembering what Alistair had said about them slitting out throats.
          ‘I should never have taken out that bloody loan. Oh Christ, I only missed one payment.’
    Loan, what is he talking about? The buggers downstairs are more likely to nick money o ff us than lend it? I can hear the whine from my little Mini and grieve for it. My scrambled brain tries to make some sense of what he is saying. We only have one loan. No, that can’t possibly be right.
          ‘Barclays threatened to cut off your ear and send it to your mum? But that’s disgraceful,’ I say. ‘I thought we consolidated our debts with the easy payment terms. That’s what the man said. He seemed very nice. Not the kind of person who would make threats like that.’
    I can picture the man now. He was terribly sweet and went out of his way to get us the best deal possible. I can’t believe that lovely ginger -haired young man would ever cut off anyone’s ear. Mind you, my mum always said you couldn’t trust a man with ginger hair.
          ‘Start a Twitter campaign, that always works,’ says Fi helpfully.
          ‘Or Facebook, name and shame,’ adds Alistair. ‘After all with their big bonuses it is disgraceful. Thuggish b-b-b-behaviour. I’m glad I’m with Lloyds.’
    Fiona shivers.
          ‘God, what will they do to me? My credit card is totally maxed out,’ she moans, wringing her hands.
          ‘What the hell has Barclays got to do with anything?’ shouts Julian over the whining engine.
          ‘I’m not being difficult Julian, but have you got the Pooch in fourth gear? She never whines like that in fifth.’
          ‘I didn’t know there was a fifth on this bloody car.’
    Oh no.
          ‘Jesus Julian, It all seems a bit over the