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really convincing the judge that I’m not a bad kid. I think I can feel real good about my lawyer. He’s a cool dude, he’s on my side. I guess I had watched too many movies where the court-appointed attorney wasn’t shit, but he different with his nerdy ass. He always make sure that I get something real good to eat when I’m not behind bars, cause he know what I’m going through in there. The other day, he brought me some funny-smelling tie food or something like that, some of that Chinese shit. It was good though, a bunch of noodles in some peanut sauce. I never knew you could make sauce with peanuts, but I’m learning a lot of shit I never knew these days.

    We got some psychiatrist test back today that they had did on me, and he said some corny shit like, By George Antonio you’re a genius. And I told him to quit messing with me and he was like, No, according to these tests, you’re in the mid to upper echelon or some shit of human intelligence. I was like get the fuck out of here, and he said he was serious. Then I told him, That’s good shit. And he was like, Actually it isn’t. He said he wasn’t trying to get me down, but his job would be a lot easier if I was retarded. I thought that was some funny shit and we laughed, but I would rather go to jail than for people to think I’m a retard. Now, I never thought of myself as no genius. I wonder what my homeboys would think about that. I know none of my teachers would say that shit. I didn’t do homework, ain’t never made the honor roll in my life. I guess when I get out of here and change my ways, I’m gonna get on that motherfucker for real. Maybe I should forget about music and balling, and think about being a scientist or some shit like that. But back to the trial, I liked that one dude who got up and testified for me, the coroner or whoever who said that the angles of the entry wounds showed that my daddy was probably coming at me when I stabbed him. That bitch prosecutor tried to stare him down and shake him and keep asking him the same questions over and over again but in different ways. Did you catch that baby? I did. Well, he didn’t shake. He stuck to what he said, which was that my daddy had to be coming at me. He wouldn’t break for her. And I couldn’t believe that Mr. Cook came through, that he showed up for me. With one of them tight suits on again. I
think that was a big thing for us, cause my lawyer had said when we were eating that tie shit, This was a good day Antonio, a real good day. I think it was too. He told me that between the experts and the character witnesses, I would be straight.
    But my family is coming up—my mother and my brother and my partners are getting ready to get up there and start talking about things I don’t want to talk about, things I don’t want nobody to hear. I gotta get up there too, and every day me and my lawyer be practicing what I’m gonna say. He be cursing me out and shouting and getting real mean, but he just doing what he gotta do so I can be prepared for anything that could come up. I think that’s the day I don’t want you to come, when my family start talking. I don’t think I can take you hearing the truth about me.
    Sincerely,
    Antonio
    Â 
    Â 
    Â 
    April 27, 1990
My dearest Antonio,
    Â 
    It’s late at night and I’m sitting out here by myself on the fire escape, looking at 7th Ave, thinking about you and how we used to sit out here and hug and laugh and tickle each other and kiss real hard and long. I miss you so much my whole body hurts. Mommy just went back
inside. I can still smell her Avon perfume, it’s stuck in the air all around me, like she’s still out here with me and holding me tight. Drew spent the night tonight. He said Grandma been acting a little cuckoo lately, making him clean greens and chitlins and turn soil and shit and he can’t take it. Mommy tried to tell him