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once been. I could not stop the negative thoughts.
Have I wandered away from God’s plan for me? Who was I to offer advice, inspiration, and spiritual guidance to people around the world? If I wasn’t a speaker and evangelist, what could I be? What value did I have?
I kept flashing back to my worst childhood insecurities. The financial problems, which were really just short-term cash flow issues, reawakened my old fears of being a burden upon my parents and siblings.
    As you can imagine, my parents had serious concerns when I first moved to the United States on my own at the age of twenty-four. I was determined to prove my independence and to follow my dream of being an international evangelist and speaker. Since then I’d come a long way in accomplishing my dreams and proving my independence. In fact, my parents had decided to move to the United States so that my father, who is an accountant and wonderful with bookkeeping, could join my business.
    The most difficult thing I had to do after learning of the financial problems at Attitude Is Altitude was to call my father and tell him that he was about to join a company that had fallen into debt. He had made the decision to move to the United States without knowing what he was getting into. I was so embarrassed. I felt I’d let him down and disappointed him.
    I’ve always been more of a dreamer and far more impulsive than my father, who is very practical and analytical. He and my mother had warnedme before I moved to the United States that I needed to manage my money carefully. I’d messed up just as they were coming to join my business. I also was afraid people would think that my parents were coming to save me, their son with no arms and no legs—and no money!
    To make matters even worse, I had hired one of my cousins to work at Attitude Is Altitude so he could learn about starting a business. I was afraid he’d think that he’d apprenticed himself to a loser.
    Those nagging thoughts were very difficult to deal with. My old fears of failure and of being a burden assailed me like an angry swarm of insects. I’d been working so hard, and with the release of my first book, I was finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And then the light went out.
T HE D ARK S IDE
    Depression set in. I didn’t want to leave my bed. Even though I felt like I was in no shape to be offering anyone motivation or inspiration, I had to fulfill several speaking obligations. I’ll never forget those appearances because I only got through them with God’s grace and mercy. I cried for two hours in despair right before speaking at one motivational seminar. A friend was with me during that crying spell and then attended the speech. He said it was the best talk I’d ever given! I didn’t believe him until I saw a recording of it later. I wasn’t operating under my own power; God was hard at work that night.
    I made it through that appearance, but the next day my despair once again overwhelmed me. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. Anxieties whipsawed me day and night. It was crazy, mate. Strange things happened to me. When I was a kid, I had a nervous habit of biting my lip. I starteddoing that again! What was that about? I’d toss and turn all night and then wake up with a sore and swollen lip and my chest and stomach in knots.
    Strangest of all, four or five days passed before I could even think about praying. I’m a habitual prayer. My inability to pray scared me. When days went by without a single prayer passing my lips, I worried for my soul as well as my sanity.
    My mental paralysis left me unable to make even the most minor decisions. Normally, I fly through the day making dozens of important decisions regarding my schedule, projects, and other business. During this troubled time I couldn’t decide whether to get out of bed or whether I should try to eat.
    My lethargy was humbling, to say the least. It was as though I’d become another person. One day, a group