Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader

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Book: Read Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader for Free Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
1928, his seven-month-old grandaughter, Sally, became seriously ill. The girl’s physician suggested she might benefit from a diet of strained fruits and vegetables, and he put his tomato-canning factory to work on it. When Sally recovered, mothers in the area began requesting samples of the food. He started marketing the product, and within six months, Gerber Strained Peas, Prunes, Carrots, and Spinach were available across the U.S.
    CHARLES PILLSBURY. Bought his first flour mill in St. Anthony Falls, Minnesota in 1865, at a time when the state imported most of its flour. Minnesota flour was hard and brittle, and considered inferior to the imported flour. Charles installed a purifier that enabled him to produce flour which made more and better bread per barrel than the softer imported winter wheat. Ten years later, his plant was turning out 10,000 barrels of flour a day.
    JOHN LANDIS MASON. In 1858, he worked with glass blowers to produce an alternative to home-canning with tin. His solution: a threaded glass container with a screw-top lid. It preserved flavor better, enabled housewives to see the contents at a glance, and was easy to clean and reuse. Over a hundred billion Mason jars have been made since then.
    LEON LEONWOOD (L.L.) BEAN. Sewed leather uppers to rubber overshoe bottoms in 1912 to keep his feet dry on deer-hunting trips. He sold a few pairs to friends and neighbors and as the word spread, orders for his boots came pouring in. He turned it into an outdoor clothing business.
     
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    7-11 sells 10,000 pots of coffee an hour, every day of the year.
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WORDS OF WISDOM
    Jon Winokur compiled these pearls of wisdom in his book Friendly Advice.
    “Wise men don’t need advice. Fools don’t take it.”
    —Benjamin Franklin
    “Always obey your superiors. If you have any.”
    —Mark Twain
    “Life is a sh—sandwich. But if you’ve got enough bread, you can’t taste the sh—.”
    —Jonathan Winters
    “Rise early. Work late. Strike oil.”
    —J. Paul Getty
    “To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.”
    —Voltaire
    “Never take top billing. You’ll last longer that way.”
    —Bing Crosby
    “It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.”
    —Oscar Wilde
    “It is fatal to look hungry. It makes people want to kick you.”
    —George Orwell
    “If you see a snake, just kill it—don’t appoint a committee on snakes.”
    —H. Ross Perot
    “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.”
    —Grantland Rice
    “Grantland Rice can go to hell as far as I’m concerned.”
    —Gene Autry
    “I always advise people never to give advice.”
    —P.G. Wodehouse
    “Honesty is the best policy, and spinach is the best vegetable.”
    —Popeye the Sailor
    “To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it.”
    —Cary Grant
     
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    The two jobs where people expect “friendly” breath: Dentists and salespeople.
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HEADLINES
    These are 100% honest-to-goodness headlines. Can you figure out what they were trying to say?
    Textron Inc. makes offer to screw company stockholders
    SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
    Man Minus Ear
    Waives Hearing
    IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
    MAN SHOT, STABBED; DEATH BY NATURAL CAUSES RULED
    Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
    Once-sagging cloth diaper saved by full dumps
    BILLS OVERWHELM CHARGERS
    32 Ignorant Enough to Serve on North Jury
    UTAH GIRL DOES WELL IN DOG SHOWS
    Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
    TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD
    Pastor Aghast At First Lady Sex Position
    Padres Hit On Penguins
    Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation
    SKI AREAS CLOSE DUE TO SNOW
    Child’s Stool Great For Use In Garden
    FIRE OFFICIALS GRILLED OVER KEROSENE HEATERS
    Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
    STUD TIRES OUT
    Death in the Ring: Most boxers Are Not the Same Afterward
    FFA proposes name change to

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