Read Toil & Trouble: A Know Not Why Halloween (Mis)adventure for Free Online

Romney’s head more than most! They’ll totally know
what I’m talking about!
     
    Turns out: flawed plan.
     
    So now he plays it safe.
     
    “Um,” Howie says, “you betcha!”
     
    ‘Safe’ always comes out vaguely Minnesotan for some
reason.
     
    Arthur says, “He wants a girl to dress up like a sexy
mummy. Kristy’s volunteered, but I really feel like she shouldn’t
have to—”
     
    “Oh, what boy doesn’t like pretty girls?” Mr. Kraft
says. Then he considers them awkwardly. “Present company
excluded.”
     
    “Pretty girls,” Howie says. “Pfft. Gross ,
right?”
     
    Okay. That one definitely didn’t land.
     
    Mr. Kraft decides to ignore that entirely. “Just give
them something nice to look at. There’s no harm in it. Besides,
that’s what this holiday is all about, right? Girls finding the
excuse to look like harlots.”
     
    “Really, Dad?” Arthur says, disgusted. “Harlots?”
     
    “I remember that one year your sister wanted to go
out in the most appalling get-up—frills and bright makeup
everywhere—”
     
    “You mean when she dressed up like Raggedy Ann?”
     
    “Sexy Raggedy Ann?” Howie whispers, for
clarification.
     
    Arthur shakes his head, eyes wide and annoyed.
     
    Mr. Kraft prattles on. “Skirt above her knees; it was
shameless. I told her, ‘Melissa, you’re not leaving this house
until you put on some real clothes, young lady.’ But surely Kristy
won’t mind that sexy mummy business. She’s always been a little
loose with her morals. Who could blame her, really? With all the
freedom that my sister and her numbskull husband have always given
her—”
     
    “Dad, can we not get into that, please?” Arthur
implores.
     
    “Kristy is such a pretty girl,” Mrs. Kraft says
gracefully. “I bet she’ll make an adorable sexy mummy.”
     
    “Exactly. There. You see? No problem.”
     
    “I guess,” Arthur says, glaring down into his bowl of
soup.
     
    “Hey. You look up when I’m talking to you, young man.
This is business, Arthur. My business, need I remind
you?”
     
    “You really need not,” Arthur says.
     
    “And I say, throw the damn birthday party. It’s a no
brainer.”
     
    “Kristy seems to think that such an ... aggressive
atmosphere of horror won’t necessarily work out.”
     
    “Your cousin is a sweet girl, Arthur, but do you
really think she has the head for business? She wants to be a
kindergarten teacher, for Pete’s sake.”
     
    “Yeah! She just wants to go into working with kids
professionally! What’s relevant about that?” Damn it. Howie really
didn’t mean to say that out loud. To appease his listeners, he
throws in a desperate, “... eh?”
     
    Mr. Kraft snorts. “She wants summers off and a career
where all she does is tie shoes and play with blocks and crayons.
No ambition in that side of the family, I’ve always said—”
     
    “Being a kindergarten teacher is a really demanding
job, Dad.”
     
    “Yeah, yeah.” Mr. Kraft waves a hand. “Arthur, let
the little tyke have his party! It’s all in good fun, isn’t
it?”
     
    “Yep,” Arthur says, clearly straining for
patience.
     
    Howie pats his knee under the table.
     
    “What are you doing down there?” Mr. Kraft barks.
“Hands where I can see them.”
     
    Howie brings his hand up so fast that he almost
knocks over his water glass.
     
    “Oh, really, Art,” chides Mrs. Kraft. “Don’t scare
him.”
     
    “It was a joke,” Mr. Kraft protests.
     
    Arthur chugs his water like it’s whisky and he’s a
man who drinks to forget.
     
    “No homo?” Howie says meekly.
     
     
    +
     
     
    “So we’re doing this, then,” Howie says, once they’re
out in the car. “Voldie Junior is getting his customized
shindig.”
     
    “Yep,” Arthur says blandly.
     
    There’s a long, grim silence.
     
    “You want to go buy some organic produce?” Howie asks
then. It’s the kind of dorky foodie behavior that always lifts
Arthur’s