Read To Mervas for Free Online

no-man’s-land separated his consciousness from his body. He was lonely somehow, inside his own body. When he was younger, I’d been both his consciousness and his body. Now everything was becoming much more difficult. I couldn’t assist him enough; he’d been trapped by his corporeal limitations.
    I know they would have found a place for him in a home for the severely handicapped if only I had asked. But I never did; I never even inquired about the possibility. The boy and I had a pact. He was my lot in this world, my duty. He was assigned to me, and I to him.

out of the ashes
    Mom sits on the couch, her face patchy red from being beaten, her arms and hands scratched. She stares vacantly before her. Her frizzy hair looks like foam around her narrow, tired face.
    On the floor is a mess of books, knickknacks, potted plants, pillows, clothes, and toys. The window curtains are torn into shreds.
    The only sound in the apartment is that of children crying. The twin boys, who haven’t yet learned how to stay away and keep silent, have been spanked with the rug beater. Next to Mom on the couch is my older sister. She puts her arm around Mom’s stiff shoulders, and cries softly. I’m sitting on the floor with my little sister on my lap. I am not crying.
    It is evening. Dad has been visiting the “Exception,” as he calls the place.
    â€œHave you finally learned what a strayed wife’s home looks like?” his thin lips ask, still trembling with rage, before he leaves us.
    I go out to the kitchen. He has opened all the cupboards and swept all the glass and china from the shelves. First, I gather up anything that’s not broken or just slightly chipped and put it on the table. Then I sweep the floor and put the shards in a piece of newspaper. Finally, I mop until no trace of broken glass remains on the floor.

December 15
    A cold insight woke me early this morning, long before dawn. I suddenly realized it would be completely crazy to travel to Mervas. I must have been living in some kind of dreamworld since I got Kosti’s letter. I now feel ashamed of my own childishness, my madness. If those thoughts of Mervas appear again, I’m going to call the psychiatric ward and ask them to lock me up for a while.
    Kosti is calling me again. Once more, he wants to throw me off course. But this time I’m going to keep going in my own tracks; this time I’m not going to listen to his siren calls. I am old. I feel my life will soon be over. I don’t have the strength to live anymore; I’ve already been through too much. For years, I’ve struggled to accept the truth of that fact.
    Growing old has been much harder than I’d imagined. Since I’ve never cared very much about the way I look, the way other women do, I didn’t think I’d care particularly about things like wrinkles, getting a potbelly, and gray hair. But I did. It was devastating. My body fell apart and suddenly became my great source of sorrow. It became a wound that wouldn’t heal, but instead grew larger and deeper. To undress and sink into the bathtub became painful; I tried not to let my gaze linger anywhere on my body, but I could still see, of course. The fine, patheticpubic hair, which insisted on growing on my thighs instead of covering the mound, disgusted me. So too did the patchy, blue-veined legs. It was all too sad. Like being forced to watch your house fall into decay without being able to do anything about it. Like watching a plant wither. At once, my whole life seemed so wasted, as if I’d neglected to live it while I could. It hurt me so much to realize this. It caused me so much agony that I started hiding like a young girl when I had to undress. The very air wasn’t allowed to see me, neither was the light of day, barely even darkness – I had to hide my nudity at all costs. For some time, things went so far I started neglecting my hygiene; it’s quite