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the bed leafing through one of her books. She kept these in her trunk because I hadn’t got round to putting up a shelf yet.
    ‘It’s Steve Treacle and Philip Sibling,’ I said.
    ‘So I gather,’ she replied, without looking up.
    ‘Don’t you want to meet them?’
    ‘Why should I?’
    ‘Cos they’ve come especially to see you.’
    ‘I don’t care!’ she snapped. ‘I’m not here for display purposes you know!’
    ‘Shush!’ I whispered. ‘They’ll hear you.’
    ‘Don’t shush me! They shouldn’t have banged on the wall with that hammer.’
    ‘No, that wasn’t them.’
    ‘What!?’
    Just then the door was heard to open, and two pairs of feet trooped outside before it closed again.
    ‘It was me who banged on the wall,’ I explained. ‘I was teaching Steve a lesson for waking us up.’
    ‘Well, you’re as stupid as he is then.’
    Her tone had softened slightly.
    ‘Are you going to come down and see them?’ I tried.
    ‘No,’ she said. ‘I’m not in the mood.’
    ‘They’ll be ever so disappointed.’
    ‘Tell them to come back another time, and knock on the door properly.’
    ‘OK.’
    I dashed downstairs to intercept them, thinking they might have taken offence and left. When I got outside, however, Steve was busy shovelling sand while Philip stood watching.
    ‘Sorry about that,’ I said. ‘It’s sorted out now.’
    ‘Hmm hmm,’ murmured Philip.
    ‘She says you’re welcome to come and see us, but it’s a bit inconvenient today, if you don’t mind.’
    ‘No, no,’ said Steve. That’s fine. I’ll just finish clearing this sand, then we’ll be getting off.’
    ‘Well, I can do the sand myself,’ I said. ‘Don’t worry about it.’
    ‘It’s no problem,’ he replied. ‘Just you relax, and I’ll have it done in no time.’
    The pair of them returned a week later, and this time they came bearing gifts. Arriving at a civilized hour in the middle of the morning, they knocked gently on the door and waited to be invited in.
    The gifts, they seemed to think, were the reason Mary Petrie gave them a friendly welcome, enquired about their health, and asked them to take a seat at the table. Little did they know that I’d spent the intervening days convincing her that they were two of the finest fellows I had ever known, and that therefore she shouldn’t treat them too harshly. They had no idea of the continual praise I’d heaped upon them, and the way I’d kept her entertained with hilarious stories of their various exploits. Gradually she had warmed to them, by proxy, and when I’d reminded her that they both wore identical coats she’d said she thought they sounded ‘quite sweet’. As a matter of fact, she finally conceded, she was rather looking forward to seeing them again. The gifts, if they’d known the truth, were merely icing on a cake I’d already made.
    To my dismay we received a clock from Philip, while Steve presented us with a weathercock. This was similar to the one on top of his own house, and a little later he went outside to see if he could recommend a good place to fix it. Philip accompanied him.
    ‘I don’t want a weathercock,’ I said, once they were out of earshot. ‘I’ve lived here long enough to know which way the wind’s blowing without having to look. It’s west-southwest most of the time and hardly ever varies. What do I need with a weathercock when there’s a prevailing wind?’
    ‘Well, I think it’s very kind of him,’ replied Mary Petrie. ‘And a clock from Philip!’
    That’s even worse.’
    ‘Why?’
    ‘You know I don’t like clocks.’
    ‘Oh don’t start that again,’ she said. ‘Look, you asked me to be nice to them, and I’m trying to be, but now you’re being rude about their presents. Snap out of it, why don’t you?’
    ‘Well, why do people always bring these things that are supposed to be useful but in fact aren’t?’
    ‘I don’t know,’ she answered. They’re your friends.’
    Just then we heard the