Read This Holey Life for Free Online

him, like he’s slapped me in the face. Because I haven’t always just had girls. And I don’t need him reminding me of that.
    ‘Sorry, I mean... You know what I mean.’
    I pull my cardy round me and take a very deep breath, filling my lungs with Penge’s finest morning air. ‘So girls can’t play on Nintendo wotsits? Is that what you’re
saying?’
    ‘Well, not your girls. This isn’t exactly a technologically advanced household, is it? You haven’t even got Sky.’
    ‘What a come-down it must be, slumming it in such a deprived house.’
    ‘Yes, it is,’ and he smiles. Which annoys me even more than if he didn’t smile. He’s trying to pull me off the trail of his arrest. It’s not going to work.
    ‘Forget Sky-Nintendo-Wotsits. Tell me why you got arrested.’
    ‘If you stop interrupting me I’ll get to it,’ he takes out his fag packet. More delay. It’s empty. He puts it back in his pocket. More delay. More deviation. The
deviant.
    I take a packet of Polos out of my cardigan pocket and offer him one. Not to be nice; to keep his concentration up.
    He crushes it immediately upon entry into his mouth. No thank you or anything but at least his voice is less spiky as he goes on. ‘I went round there all prepared to be nice to Claudia and
yes, before you ask, I admit there was an ulterior motive.’
    ‘Which was?’
    ‘I was hoping the dawning of a new year might make her rethink our situation.’
    ‘What, the One Small Incident situation?’
    ‘Do you want me to tell you or what?’
    The less spiky voice didn’t last long so I nod in vague encouragement, trying to get Martin back to a level of calm. Calm that I don’t feel. But I really want to know what happened.
And I really want to know if last evening’s events have taken Martin further away from the day he will move back in with Claudia and out of my house.
    ‘Are you listening, Victoria?’
    ‘Of course. Fire away.’
    ‘Right, well, I rang the doorbell. Nothing doing. I went round the back and peered through the lounge French windows and the kitchen door. Nothing. Then I came back round the front and got
out my keys. Tried the lock. Tried all the locks. They’d been changed. Can you believe it?’ He snatches the packet of Polos out of my hand, shovels three into his mouth and starts
crunching them aggressively.
    ‘Yes, Martin, I most definitely can believe it. You’ve got yourself into trouble and Claudia’s not happy.’
    He ignores this and gobs instead into a nearby flower pot. Some of it remains in his beard, glistening in the weak morning sun.
    I practise heavy breathing. ‘And what exactly did you do then?’
    ‘Nothing.’
    I raise my eyebrow.
    ‘Well, I went round the back again and tried the utility room. There’s an old sash there. I’ve been meaning to get a lock for it. It was a bit of a squeeze – you’ve
been giving me far too much fat – but I managed it.’
    Breathe, Vicky, breathe.
    ‘Only then the alarm went and I couldn’t switch it off because she’s changed the code. I tried every sequence I could think of – even the date of our wedding anniversary,
which, yes, alright, is an unlikely choice under the circumstances – and then next thing I know there’s a torch in my face and two coppers grabbing hold of me.’ He relives this
moment of disbelief. Like the time the French lady won the Eurovision. Disbelief that he could lose control over the situation. His life.
    ‘Go on.’
    ‘I told them I live there and to go and ask next door for verification. Only I should’ve been more specific. I meant next door at Giles’ house. But they went the other side and
got Bella. Bella hates me. Even more so since Claudia’s told her the gory details of our marriage. She denied that she knew me. Can you believe it? Surely that’s perjury.’
    ‘Did you tell them that?’
    ‘Yes, of course I did.’
    ‘And?’
    ‘They arrested me and bunged me in the car. One of them put his filthy hands on my