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really want to know what they thought just in case they thought I was an ugly pig. When I thought about boys, it was kind of like my mind turned into a blender where I put all of these weird thoughts and feelings that swirled around totally out of control.
    I do remember my first look at the chalet. It’s like a snapshot in my mind, clear and well developed. It was pretty amazing. It was made from logs and was incredibly tall with two levels of balconies on the outside overlooking the ski hills. Inside was even more incredible. There were balconies on the inside as well, surrounding a huge stone fireplace that reached all the way to the ceiling. The furniture was all made of heavy wood and had colorful cushions that looked soft and comfy.
    Nancy’s brother was there, but he wasn’t particularly interested in his sister’s little friends. That was fine by me. At least, I thought it was fine, but at the same time I couldn’t help but wonder why he wasn’t interested. As I said, totally out of control! Anyway, there was lots to do there, between the boats and the swimming and the walking trails, and we had fun, which took my mind off all my messed-up thoughts, and we were all starving when we came in for supper. Nancy’s mom had made a delicious meal and we all dug in. Once we had finished the barbecued hamburgers and potato salad, Nancy’s mom brought out this absolutely amazing-looking chocolate cake. Man, did I want a piece of that cake! But as she brought it to the table, I had a sudden flash of the sight of the oversized blue tent in the mirror.
    â€œNo thanks,” I said politely, as a piece was passed my way.
    I peeked over at Annie to see if she had noticed, but she was already digging into hers so she was distracted by the chocolate. Mrs. Gerig looked surprised.
    â€œOh, dear. Don’t you like chocolate cake?” she asked, in the same tone she might have used to ask me if I liked breathing.
    â€œOh, yes. It looks delicious. But I’m trying to cut down,” I said, trying not to look at my hips when I said it.
    â€œWell, then, good for you! I wish I had your willpower!” Mrs. Gerig beamed at me and then looked around the table to make sure everyone had been served before she proceeded to down a giant piece of the calorie fest along with everyone else … everyone else but me.
    As I lay in the totally comfortable bunk bed that night below Annie and thought about the day, I didn’t think of the fun we had. All I could think about was Mrs. Gerig’s comment. Why did she think it was good for me to cut out dessert? Did she think I was fat, too? But then again, she had also complimented me. It was nice to have someone wish they were more like me. Restless and unable to sleep, I snuck out of bed and tiptoed to the bathroom down the hall.
    I closed the door quietly and turned on the light. The bathroom had only a toilet and a small cabinet with an even smaller mirror over top. I could only see my face in the mirror, which wasn’t what I wanted. I climbed awkwardly onto the edge of the cabinet, praying that I wouldn’t break it, and balanced on my knees, trying to see my body. All I managed to do was fall off the cabinet and make a big noise, so I gave up and went to bed.
    â€œWhat happened?” Annie asked in a sleepy voice. “I thought I heard a crash.”
    â€œOh, I just dropped something. It’s OK. Go back to sleep.” I lay down and closed my eyes, wondering why I had just lied to my very best friend.
    April 4
    I saw him again. Just for a second or two, but it was definitely him. He has that white blond hair some people have, kind of curly. I couldn’t see much else but he seemed kind of cute from a distance. He walked right past my door and stopped on the other side of the hall, looking in here. I even got up and went over to make an effort talk to him but he was gone before I got there. He must be a patient. Visitors