The World's Awesomest Air-Barf

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Book: Read The World's Awesomest Air-Barf for Free Online
Authors: Steve Hartley
pulled on their wellington boots and set off like jungle explorers, pushing aside the tall leaves, treading cautiously through the high grass that rustled noisily in the breeze.
    Danny glimpsed woodlice as large as saucers, and spiders bigger than Grandad’s hand, scurrying away into the shade.

    All around them, but out of sight, hundreds of huge insects hummed and buzzed and clicked. Grandma moved an enormous buttercup leaf to one side, revealing a frog the size of a
football staring back at them.
    Danny laughed. ‘Look at those big bulgy eyes – it looks like our teacher, Mrs Woodcock!’
    ‘Yeah,’ agreed Matthew. ‘And she’s got frog’s legs too!’

    As they emerged from the grass and gazed over the wall of the vegetable patch, Grandad jumped in the air like he’d scored a goal.
    ‘My Rotting Chowhabunga!’ he cried, pointing at his treasured plant.
    It was normally a small spiky clump of bright green waxy leaves. Now it was almost as tall as the boys, and rising from the centre was a thick stalk with a large dark flower-bud on the end.

    ‘It’s going to flower!’ said Grandad. ‘For the first time ever in a pot! It’s a miracle!’
    Danny grinned at Matthew and winked.
    ‘And my marrows are massive!’ exclaimed Grandad. ‘My carrots are colossal! My lettuces are leviathans! My gooseberries are gargantuan! My parsnips are . . .’ He thought
for a moment ‘. . . pretty big!’
    Grandad’s grin got wider.
    ‘If Ernie Slack can beat these beauties, I’ll eat my cap!’ He rubbed his hands together. ‘We’ll pick the best tomorrow morning and enter them for the competition at
the Fair. This year, victory will be mine!’

     
A Spot of Bother in the Vegetable Patch

    Dear Danny
    Here’s the photo I promised you of the humongous earwig! This creature inspired my father to track down and measure the biggest bugs
from all over the world, and he donated many of his specimens to Creepy-Crawly Creek, a Wildlife Park and Home for Rescued Invertebrates at Bugsby Tyke. It’s actually not far from
Puddlethorpe, and I think you would love it, because it’s a record-breaking kind of place!

    They have ants as thick as your thumb, centipedes as long as your leg and slugs as fat as your fist. They have a Spider City, a Beetle
Boulevard and a Cockroach Corner. They also have Gastropod Grove, which contains the largest collection of slugs and snails in the world, all slithering and sliming around in a massive compound.
This is officially the Slimiest Place in the World, and has to be worth a visit!
    Best wishes
    Eric Bibby
    Keeper of the Records
    PS The little boy with knobbly knees standing next to my father is me! Believe it or not, I do not have the Knobbliest Knees in the world.
That record is held by Alfie Smee, of Beaumont-cum-Moze, whose horrible, ugly knees could make grown women faint and small children cry. They were so bad that on 13 May 1932 a Special Law
was passed banning Alfie Smee’s knees from ever being shown in public.
     
    It was the morning of the Puddlethorpe Annual Country Fair. Danny and Matthew sat at the kitchen table, flicking through a book called What’s That Bug?. Nine
enormous pickle jars, their lids punched with air holes, were lined up in front of them, each one containing a huge crawling insect.

    Grandma studied the specimens with interest.
    ‘My,’ she said, ‘you two have been busy. What are you going to do with these beasties?’
    ‘We’re trying to find out what they’re called,’ answered Danny. ‘Matt’s going to measure them all and I’m going to write to Mr Bibby at The Great Big
Book of World Records to see if any of them are world-beaters.’
    Matthew grinned at Danny. ‘Imagine if your sister Natalie found a couple of these under her duvet . . . !’
    Grandad put his head round the kitchen door.
    ‘Hurry up, you two,’ he said. ‘I’m going to need some help with my vegetables. The sooner they’re picked, the sooner we can get to the

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