over for me,â she said when she saw me with the camera. She mourned her lost youth. âFrom now on, itâs chicken broth and buckets of drool.â At that instant she looked to me more sensual than ever. Radiant and pink, with her red hair pulled back. I wanted to cuddle under a Buick with her. âTalk to me,â I said.
âItâs your fault Iâm this way.â
The flashcube sizzled.
______
Perilous, the first year of our marriage. Several near breakups. I hated to remember it now, but I couldnât forget in light of this permanent bond, this pencil-shaped new person that was about to be visited upon us.
Our joint therapist had once described Susanâs restlessness as âlow-level depression.â He said she was suffering from poor self-esteem, stemming from her childhood (her father was a stern Lutheran minister). âUntil she corrects her self-image,â the doctor told us, âshe canât be happy.â This may have been the case, but it seemed to me at the time that Susieâs biggest problem was low-level horniness: a constant mild ache, wherever she was, to run her hands along the naked flesh of a stranger.
I was fairly well-acquainted with this sort of thing myself. But I felt that a person had to be disciplined, otherwise you left sticky messes in your wake.
For months after weâd introduced ourselves at college we circled each other warily. She was dating someone. A banker. My banker, as it happened. I was seeing several women. We felt an attraction, a grab, at the very least a tug â the emotional equivalent of a stubbed toe, perhaps. We had a series of coincidental half-meetings in restaurants and malls, hurried conversations, and one night, when we both failed to float safe excuses, a half-attempt at sex. Susan stopped us. She was still partially committed to the banker, she said, and could only go so far.
I began to call her every day. I suggested we meet in disaster areas (earthquakes, tornadoes) where buildings and electrical power had been halved. We could sit together in candlelight, I said, sipping straight Half-and-Half (leaving it unfinished, of course) and listen to bootleg tapes Iâd bought in high school. I had the Beatles in rehearsal: they ran through parts of songs, then quit. âIâll only wear half my clothes if youâll just wear half of yours,â I said.
I had no romantic illusions about Susie. I was never intrigued by the mystery of unattainability. I simply felt lucky and at home when I heard her voice.
After the wedding sheâd sometimes insist, âI never wanted a husband.â
âThen why did you marry me?â Iâd say.
She wouldnât answer. Sheâd just look at me and repeat, âI never wanted a husband.â
______
I went to the vet and asked her if I could prepare Meckie for the baby, so that animal and child wouldnât be in each otherâs way. She gave me a short list of tips.
1) Before the Big Day arrives, expose your cat to small infants. If you canât find a neighbor baby ask relatives and friends to videotape their children. Play the tapes for your pet .
2) Familiarize your cat with baby smells. Powder, food, clothes. If possible, bring home a dirty diaper and let the cat get acquainted with the scent .
One night I called Frank Peterson, the vice principal at the high school where I taught. His wife Janet had just had a baby. âFrank? Joshua Storey here. Fine, fine,â I said into the phone. âYeah, I heard, thatâs great. Susieâs eight months along herself. I know, they get that way ââ
âGet what way?â Susan snapped.
âListen, we have this kitty over here, and I was wondering if we could borrow one of little Michaelâs diapers, a soiled one, yeah, to show it ⦠oh sure, weâd wash it before we brought it back,â I promised.
Susan dog-eared her copy of Henry Kissingerâs American Foreign