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introduced them thinking nothing of it, but to my dismay, instead of reading into my rolling of the eyes behind his back, Liv just laughed at everything he said. It turned out that my friend was vulnerable after her break up and was in need of some male attention.
    The following day, Mr Happy stood at the bottom of our fire escape holding a bunch of garage carnations. It seemed so cheesy and reminiscent of Pretty Woman that I naively thought the old Liv would take the piss but no, the new Liv thought he was just romantic and proceeded to fall, hook, line and sinker for him. Over the next few months, while his furious ex-wife and I would be trying to watch Millionaire Matchmaker , he’d be sat there in our lounge, only to then stay over on the sofa bed and subject us to noises that through the paper-thin walls, sounded suspiciously like bad sex.
    ‘You do know that Andy’s idea of foreplay was putting his beer down,’ whispered Claire before snapping at me. ‘Thanks a bunch Kate, I’m now getting awful flashbacks.’ Relations were now at an all time low and she wasn’t going to forgive me anytime soon.
    All that time I had joked with Liv in Australia about men who rev their engines at the traffic lights and walk a big dog to make up for their lacking in a certain department, and now there she was with a boyfriend who did just that. I just didn’t have the heart to say anything because what did I know? I misjudged my own big romance hadn’t I? Whenever out and about, Mr Happy was always saying hi to people and telling her how many parties he was regularly invited to. Liv would just think, wow, there he was with 300 friends on Facebook and she was the one he was choosing to spend all his time with. Not long afterwards, she announced she was moving into a new flat with him.
    Claire just shook her head in dismay. ‘He’s the most immature, tight, selfish bastard you’ll ever meet. She’ll find out.’
    While Liv and Mr Happy now co-habiting was good for Claire and myself as we got the sofa back, it also meant me having to hear all these anecdotes about how kind he was when as far as I could make out, he was anything but. Liv paid for everything – the nights out, the groceries and the bills – everything . And as he didn’t drive, she would give him taxi money to go visit his parents, as he never seemed to carry any small change. I ask you , what man doesn’t carry small change ?
    As far as I could see, the only time he did shout her something was when he very generously made her pregnant – news that she delivered to him thinking he would be over the moon. Instead, he pretended to be okay with it to her face, only to immediately get a taxi back to his parents, leaving her shaking her mobile for signs of life.
    When a note from him eventually arrived, delivered by his clearly mortified father, she just rang me up blubbing very loudly. ‘He says he has stuff he needs to do before settling down’ (sure, like maybe grow up?), before retreating to her new flat to mourn.
    But while fickle Mr Happy may not be into the idea of parenthood, his parents most certainly are. Having found out about the situation, instead of turning a blind eye, they’ve become totally on board with the whole thing – a little too on board, says Liv. This enthusiasm must stem from relief that their divorced son has finally produced an heir (although, I still have my theories about a few illegitimate hairy-chested offspring walking around). When they are not apologising for their son, Yvonne and Peter are taking her to all her hospital appointments and buying stuff for their unborn grandchild – stuff that normally features some shade of yellow.
    ‘They take the tags off so I can’t even take them back,’ Liv moans. ‘Christ, this is a really weird situation. Got all the in-law hassle, but without the man. Gee, I’m one lucky lady!’
    She’s right. This whole set-up is more than a little dysfunctional. But she knows and I know that