Read The Summer I Wasn't Me for Free Online Page B

keeps his head down. “I would have come here sooner, but you have to be at least fifteen.”
    Mr. Martin reaches over and places a large hand on Daniel’s forearm. “Well, you’re here now. And you are going to prove to God that you can live by his laws and are worthy of his love.” He keeps his hand on Daniel’s arm and just…waits. Finally, Daniel looks up. Mr. Martin smiles. So does Daniel.
    Mr. Martin in this moment inexplicably reminds me of a grandfather, even though he’s father aged. There’s something gentle, wise, trustworthy about him. Like if you tell him everything that’s hurting you, he’ll impart some remarkable wisdom, make you some soup, and everything will be fine.
    Then Mr. Martin turns to Matthew, and his supportive face transforms into something just a bit more like disdain. “Why don’t you go next, Matthew?”
    Matthew raises an eyebrow. “Why don’t you go next?”
    “I’m sorry?”
    “I don’t think it’s very fair that we’re supposed to sit here and tell you all this personal stuff about ourselves and listen to you tell us we’re sick or dirty or whatever, but not know anything about why you’re here.”
    Mr. Martin looks at Matthew levelly. “Like I said earlier, I used to struggle with SSA too. But I have overcome, and I have received the calling to pay it forward.”
    Matthew snorts, as if he doesn’t believe for a second that Mr. Martin has overcome much of anything. “Whatever.”
    “Now, please, share your experience with the group,” Mr. Martin says.
    “Fine. I’ve known I was gay since I played house with Tim MacFarlane at Happy Land preschool when I was four. I had my first kiss when I was thirteen, and I’ve had a serious boyfriend for the past two years. His name is Justin. Anything else?”
    “What brought you to New Horizons?” Mr. Martin asks, not even a little bit fazed by Matthew’s bluntness.
    “More like who brought me to New Horizons,” Matthew mumbles. “My father, who else? He walked in on me in a rather…inventive position with Justin and lost his shit. No son of mine…disgrace to this family…as long as you’re under my roof you will do what I say… blah blah blah. It’s so ridiculous—he knew . I came out to him when I was fourteen. But then he sees me with Justin and suddenly he’s the captain of Team Homophobe. He actually said he’d thought it was a phase and that I should have grown out of it by now. What the hell, right?”
    All Mr. Martin says is, “No profanity, Matthew.”
    “I want to get married,” Carolyn blurts out.
    Matthew blinks. “To me?”
    She laughs. “No. Just in general.”
    “Please, say more about that, Carolyn,” Mr. Martin encourages.
    “That’s why I’m here. It’s not for my parents—or for God.” She looks at Matthew and Daniel. “It’s for me. I’ve dreamed about my wedding day since I was a little girl. I want a husband and kids and a house. I always have.” There’s something practiced about her words, like it’s a line she’s recited in front of a mirror many times before.
    “And you will have that!” Mr. Martin says, beaming.
    She smiles. “I hope so.”
    I can’t stop myself. “But wait,” I say, “that doesn’t make sense.”
    Everyone turns to look at me.
    “What doesn’t make sense?” Carolyn asks. It’s the first time she’s spoken directly to me.
    “If you’ve dreamed about marrying a man your entire life, then wouldn’t that make you straight? I don’t understand.”
    Her eyebrows pull together, and she looks like she’s choosing her words carefully. “When I was little, I would dress up Barbie and Ken and walk them down the aisle and imagine the day when I’d get to wear a big white dress like that. I knew that someday I was going to have a husband who looked at me the way my dad looked at my mom. I’d watch romantic comedies and read Jane Austen novels and put myself in the place of the heroine.”
    A tiny smile forms on my lips as I remember my