The Stainless Steel Rat Goes to Hell

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Book: Read The Stainless Steel Rat Goes to Hell for Free Online
Authors: Harry Harrison
cameras—which I had improved far beyond their manufacturer’s wildest dream. I of course had my diamond dress studs, as well as a few bits of jewelry and other innocuous items in a small sealed case.
    Our arrival on Vulkann was most dramatic. As we stepped out of the space shuttle, along with a gaggle of brightly togged tourists, a brass band began to play lustily. Everyone cheered—and cheered even louder when the Corps of Guides marched up before us. Black-booted and high-heeled, skintight and most flimsy bright red uniforms graced their perfectly formed forms. At a barked command they stamped to a halt and broke ranks. Assignments had been made and a most attractive blonde with exquisite freckles on her nose marched up to us and gave a very nice salute.
    â€œSire Diplodocus and sons, I greet you. My name is De-veena De Zoftig, but my friends call me Dee.”
    â€œWe’re your friends!”

    â€œOf course. I am your guide and at your service as long as you are on our wonderful world. May I be most informal and call you Jim, James and Bolivar?”
    â€œYou may,” the twins chorused, their smiles echoing her white-toothed one.
    â€œWonderful! Be prepared for the holiday of a lifetime.”
    â€œWe’re prepared,” they breathed, and the warm radiance of passion flamed from their skins.
    â€œThen this way if you please. Kindly wave your health certificates in the direction of the doctor there, well done. And now to your luggage, which is awaiting you and being carried by that porterbot. Exit through this gate, thank you. The machine in the gate has X-rayed your wallets and verified your credit cards. You will have a lovely and expensive vacation on our planet.”
    Such honesty was most refreshing and I was beginning to like Vulkann almost as much as the boys liked Dee. I hated to spoil our fun with business—but that was why we were here.
    â€œWe need a luxurious hotel,” I said.
    â€œWe have thousands.”
    â€œWe would like one that is close to the Church of the Seekers of the Way where we are meeting some friends.”
    â€œYou are indeed in luck for also located on Grotsky Square is the Rasumofsky Robotic Rest. A fully automated hostelry without a human employee, that is wide open and wonderful both day and night and never closes.”
    â€œSuits our needs,” I said. “Lead the way.”
    â€œYour rooms are ready and waiting,” she said as our taxi stopped in front of the hotel.
    â€œWelcome! Welcome!” Irritatingly cheerful bellboybots chimed as they seized our bags.
    â€œThese are for you,” Dee said, placing a jeweled flower on each of our shirts. “I will leave you now but I will never forget you. You have but to speak my name into your flower and I will return as quickly as I can. I bid you only to enjoy! Enjoy!”
    â€œWe will, we will!” we chorused in return and let ourselves be guided to our rooms. Before we went to work I checked for
messages back on Lussuoso. Nothing discovered, no trace of Angelina. I had the gut feeling that we were right to take her advice and follow the trail offplanet.
    â€œNice,” Bolivar said as he spun the cutter against the window and removed a neat disc of glass. The glass cutter clicked back and became a pocketknife as he fixed the camera, that was more than a camera, with its lens projecting through the opening. “Now we can not only photograph them as they come and go, but we can get their voices on the record as well.”
    â€œVery good,” I said, peeking through the viewfinder. I set the controls and turned it on. “All automatic now.”
    â€œMemory?” James asked.
    â€œAbout ten-thousand hours at a molecular level. More than we are going to need. Now let us get a drink and a meal and some sleep and see what morning will bring.”
    Morning brought more darkness instead of sunshine since Vulkann had a ten-hour-long day; daylight had

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