Read The Social Climber's Bible: A Book of Manners, Practical Tips, and Spiritual Advice forthe Upwardly Mobile for Free Online Page B
Authors: Dirk Wittenborn, Jazz Johnson
five-carat Tiffany diamond studs to buy crack or go on a bender. Listen carefully when those struggling with their addictions begin to share—those who have fallen off the wagon at the Times Square Blarney Stone are not Keepers. Those who make reference to having recently backslid at exclusive golf and country clubs, hot restaurants, or exotic resorts are Keepers. Being in recovery, they could use and will be genuinely grateful for a responsible new friend like yourself.
Note: If you are already in the program, better still! Becoming the sponsor of a derelict with alarge trust fund or a Master of the Universe with an OxyContin problem can change the whole trajectory of your climb. If your recovering Big Fish accuses you of being pushy when you insist on accompanying him or her to a social function they don’t want to bring you to, you can honestly say that you are insisting on riding on their coattails simply to safeguard their sobriety.
2. Check the pages of the newspaper online every day for memorial services open to the public to celebrate the lives of recently deceased statesmen, captains of industry, celebrities, and society figures who never would have deigned to talk to you while they were alive. You’ll be surprised: The bigger the dead fish, the more likely the memorial will be open to the public. Dead rich and famous people have famous friends who are still alive and can help you.
Remember to arrive early enough to get a seat just behind the section in the cathedral, synagogue, or mosque that is reserved for family. Dress properly. Weep discreetly and you’ll have a better than fifty-fifty chance, as the anthropologists put it, of “making first contact” with a member of the tribe you want to join, especially if you recognize someone from all those AA meetings you’ve been attending.
Being grief-stricken, those who actually knew the deceased will be unlikely to press you for specifics as to when and where you met their late, great friend. As always, do your homework and read the obits carefully. If the deceased had an affection for Scottish terriers, say you went to the Westminster dog show together. If the departed had a ski house in the Alps and died in an avalanche, say you met them in the deep powder of Val D’Isère. Those who live in New York City and are not squeamish should make a habit of popping into the Frank E. Campbell Funeral Chapel on Madison Avenue to see who has checked out and checked in. Open-casket viewings of a dead Big Fish always attract a good crowd.
3. Upscale art gallery openings are also a perfect place to make the acquaintance of your first Big Fish.
Those willing to drop 400K for a work on paper with as little concern as you have springing for extra cheese on a sandwich are the kind of people you want to get to know.
Plus, at art gallery openings, they hand out free glasses of white wine. A word to the wise: Before imbibing, make sure none of your friends from AA are there. If you see someoneyou recognize from the memorial service or from your trip to the funeral home,make a point of greeting them with a hug and a heartfelt, “I can’t believe our friend’s not with us anymore.” Ask for a price list from one of the attractive young men or women who work in the gallery. If this is New York City, they will be rude to you. Mention your financial advisor wants to start diversifying your portfolio into the contemporary art market and they will probably still be rude to you, but it will plant a seed of uncertainty regarding your place in the food chain, which you will be able to build upon when you get to your next cultural freebie.
4. The art auctions at Sotheby’s, Christie’s, Parke-Bernet, etc., are also open to the public. During the big sales, the rich, the powerful, and the famous descend on them to do just what you’re doing—social climbing—but we will have more to say on Kunst climbing later. For now, look around for people who ignored you at the memorial
Note: If you are already in the program, better still! Becoming the sponsor of a derelict with alarge trust fund or a Master of the Universe with an OxyContin problem can change the whole trajectory of your climb. If your recovering Big Fish accuses you of being pushy when you insist on accompanying him or her to a social function they don’t want to bring you to, you can honestly say that you are insisting on riding on their coattails simply to safeguard their sobriety.
2. Check the pages of the newspaper online every day for memorial services open to the public to celebrate the lives of recently deceased statesmen, captains of industry, celebrities, and society figures who never would have deigned to talk to you while they were alive. You’ll be surprised: The bigger the dead fish, the more likely the memorial will be open to the public. Dead rich and famous people have famous friends who are still alive and can help you.
Remember to arrive early enough to get a seat just behind the section in the cathedral, synagogue, or mosque that is reserved for family. Dress properly. Weep discreetly and you’ll have a better than fifty-fifty chance, as the anthropologists put it, of “making first contact” with a member of the tribe you want to join, especially if you recognize someone from all those AA meetings you’ve been attending.
Being grief-stricken, those who actually knew the deceased will be unlikely to press you for specifics as to when and where you met their late, great friend. As always, do your homework and read the obits carefully. If the deceased had an affection for Scottish terriers, say you went to the Westminster dog show together. If the departed had a ski house in the Alps and died in an avalanche, say you met them in the deep powder of Val D’Isère. Those who live in New York City and are not squeamish should make a habit of popping into the Frank E. Campbell Funeral Chapel on Madison Avenue to see who has checked out and checked in. Open-casket viewings of a dead Big Fish always attract a good crowd.
3. Upscale art gallery openings are also a perfect place to make the acquaintance of your first Big Fish.
Those willing to drop 400K for a work on paper with as little concern as you have springing for extra cheese on a sandwich are the kind of people you want to get to know.
Plus, at art gallery openings, they hand out free glasses of white wine. A word to the wise: Before imbibing, make sure none of your friends from AA are there. If you see someoneyou recognize from the memorial service or from your trip to the funeral home,make a point of greeting them with a hug and a heartfelt, “I can’t believe our friend’s not with us anymore.” Ask for a price list from one of the attractive young men or women who work in the gallery. If this is New York City, they will be rude to you. Mention your financial advisor wants to start diversifying your portfolio into the contemporary art market and they will probably still be rude to you, but it will plant a seed of uncertainty regarding your place in the food chain, which you will be able to build upon when you get to your next cultural freebie.
4. The art auctions at Sotheby’s, Christie’s, Parke-Bernet, etc., are also open to the public. During the big sales, the rich, the powerful, and the famous descend on them to do just what you’re doing—social climbing—but we will have more to say on Kunst climbing later. For now, look around for people who ignored you at the memorial
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