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cardboard box—obviously,
the naughty-word box. Within a few moments, Emily rejoined us carrying a
battered Barbie doll.
    “In the box,” Trudy said sternly. “Now…what word will you
use instead of that naughty one?”
    “Pass wind.”
    “That’s right. Now, off you go. Your cinnamon bun is on the
table.”
    Spencer returned with his hands freshly washed. “Can I have
a cookie now?”
    “Sure Mr. Spencer-Bo-Pencer,” Trudy said cheerily. “Help
yourself.”

Chapter 5
     
     
    I decided to follow the advice of Jane’s
successful, goal-reaching husband. It was time to make a list—a Life Makeover
list. I could no longer deny the fact that my life was not exactly going as I
had envisioned it. My son had apparently developed an obsession with bodily
functions; my daughter seemed to have a case of early onset teen hostility; and
my husband, who had been away for four days, had called home only once,
briefly, to say good night to the kids. And that was not to mention the fact
that I suddenly had six glorious hours of freedom each day, and no idea what to
do with them.
    With a mug of Serenity herbal tea (the
uplifting blend), I took a pad of paper and a pen to the kitchen table. Taking
a sip of the hot liquid, I inhaled the aroma of orange blossoms, essence of
clematis, and something that smelled a little bit like mushrooms. Then I wrote:
    Life Makeover
    I underlined it several times with heavy
pen strokes.
    Okay… first off, the kids.
    1. Do research on internet to learn if Spencer’s fascination
with bodily functions is a sign that he is a deeply disturbed weirdo, or just
going through a phase.
    This was obviously a top priority. It was
only a matter of time before this fixation had serious scholastic and social
repercussions. Spencer was sure to call his teacher ‘barf hair’ or something,
and get suspended, if not expelled. And at some point, he was bound to become
know to all his peers as “that weird kid who can’t stop talking about diarrhea.”
    2. Find out why Chloe suddenly hates me.
    I had absolutely no idea how to go about
this, or whether it was even possible, but I was determined to at least try.
Now, on to my marriage…
    3. Resexualize relationship with Paul.
    —Wear sexy lingerie
    —Initiate mind-blowing sex in room other
than bedroom
    —**Multiple positions**
    —Increase number of blow jobs given (Two
per month reasonable?)
    I took another sip of tea and tapped my pen
on the paper thoughtfully. Surely there was more I could do to rejuvenate our
sex life? It was a little disturbing that I couldn’t think of anything else.
Okay... time to focus on me. What did I want out of life? What would enrich my
existence? What would make me feel more fulfilled as a person? I wrote down :
    4. Bigger boobs
    No, I did not think bigger boobs would
enrich my existence or fulfil me as a person, but still, I wanted them. I was
not going to go the breast implant route—too expensive and risky. But there
were exercises I could do to build up my pectoral muscles at least giving the impression of bigger boobs. And really… why stop there?
    5. Begin rigorous exercise program
    —Aerobic exercise to feel great and have
tons of energy
    — Spot exercises: to tone and trim,
ensuring I look very fit and gorgeous
    Both of these would undoubtedly help with my resexualizing
efforts—but this was really about me.
    6. Find stimulating and creative hobby
    — Feed mind! Nourish soul!
    7. Clean and organize household
    I scratched off the last one. Cleaning and
organizing was a little mundane to be on a list entitled “Life Makeover”. I
felt better already. Daniel was right. Just putting these goals down on paper
made them more tangible, more achievable. I was determined and energized. I
would tackle item 1, immediately.
    Paul had a tiny office tucked behind the family
room, just before the entrance to the attached garage. Sitting in the swivel
chair at his press-board desk, I booted up the computer. I waited patiently