all . . . feels. It feels wrong. Always listen to your inner voice , was Mumâs thing. Never ignore a feeling . It didnât work out so well for her, of course. But she was right, in a way. Itâs how I knew I should barricade myself in
my bedroom at night when I fostered with the Andersons, even before another kid told me about Mr. Anderson and his preferences.
And way before that, before foster care even, itâs how I knew I shouldnât go into that locked roomâeven though I did.
I donât want to call the police, though. They might want to know things about you ,a little voice says. They might have questions you donât want to answer. The police and I have never got on all that well. Letâs just say Iâve had my share of run-ins. And even though he had it coming,
what I did to that arsehole is, I suppose, technically still a crime. Right now I donât want to put myself on their radar
unless I absolutely have to.
Besides, I donât really have enough to tell them, do I? A cat that might just have killed a mouse? A necklace that might just
have been innocently broken? A brother who might have just fucked off, yet again, to leave me to fend for myself?
No, itâs not enough.
I put my head in my hands, try to think what to do next. At the same moment my stomach gives a long, loud groan. I realize I canât actually remember the last time I ate anything. Last night Iâd sort of imagined Iâd get here and Ben would fix me up some scrambled eggs or something, maybe weâd order a takeaway. Part of me feels too queasy and keyed up to eat. But perhaps Iâll be able to think more clearly with some food in my belly.
I raid the fridge and cupboards but besides half a pack of butter and a stick of salami theyâre bare. One cupboard is different
from all the rest: itâs some sort of cavity with what looks like a pulley system, but I canât work out what itâs for at all.
In desperation I cut off some of the salami with a very sharp Japanese knife that I find in Benâs utensil pot, but itâs hardly
a hearty breakfast.
I pocket the set of keys I found in Benâs jacket. I know the code now, Iâve got the keys: I can get back into this place.
The courtyard looks less spooky in the light of day. I pass the ruins of the statue of the naked woman, the head separated
from the rest, face up, eyes staring at the sky. One of the flowerbeds looks like it has recently been re-dug, which explains
that smell of freshly turned earth. Thereâs a little fountain running, too. I look over at the tiny cabin in the corner and
see a dark gap between the closed slats of the shutters; perfect for spying on anything thatâs going on out here. I can imagine
her watching me through it: the old woman I saw last night, the one who seems to live there.
I take in the strangeness of my surroundings as I close the apartmentâs gates, the foreignness of it all. The crazily beautiful buildings around me, the cars with their unfamiliar numberplates. The streets also look different in daylightâand much busier when I get away from the hush of the apartment buildingâs cul-de-sac. They smell different, too: moped fumes and cigarettesmoke and roasted coffee. It must have rained in the night as the cobbles are gleaming wet, slippery underfoot. Everyone seems to know exactly where theyâre going: I step into the street out of the way of one woman walking straight at me while talking on her phone and nearly collide with a couple of kids sharing an electric scooter. Iâve never felt so clueless, so like a fish out of water.
I wander past shop fronts with their grilles pulled down, wrought-iron gates leading onto courtyards and gardens full of dead
leaves, pharmacies with blinking neon green crossesâthere seems to be one on every street, do the French get sick more?âdoubling
back on myself and getting