Read The Nothing Man for Free Online Page B

choked back the tears.
    "Aw r-right, Brownie. I-I-w-will."
    She clung to me, shivering with my wetness but clinging tighter when I tried to draw away. She curled up on the bed, drawing me down with her, burrowing and snuggling her head against my shoulder.
    After a while, she said, "H-Honey…?"
    "Yes," I said.
    Another silence. Then: "I know what-what happened. I don't know why I didn't guess in the beginning, because you couldn't be mean to anyone and-"
    "All right," I said. "You know."
    "Why didn't you tell me, honey? It wouldn't have made any difference. There's more to marriage than-than that. "
    "A great deal more," I said. "There's more to a house than a roof, but you'd find it impractical to live without one. You'd move from one room to another and they'd all be fine-and not worth a damn. Finally, you'd have to move out."
    "You don't know! You can't be sure! It-you think this is better?"
    "It doesn't need to be like this. I hoped you'd remarry."
    "I can't! H-How can I when I still love you?"
    My hands trembled on her bare back. I had to keep on, but I knew it was no use. She was a child, weeping for a broken doll, stubbornly refusing any other.
    "Look," I said. "Listen to me, Ellen. A lot of people have thought I was a pretty smart guy. You always thought so. Have you changed your mind?"
    "No, Brownie, but-"
    "Wasn't I always good to you? Didn't I always do what was best for you? Now, answer me. Isn't that so?"
    "Yes."
    "Why do you think I did it this way? Do you think it was easy for me, ridiculing you, breaking every bond between us so that you could form new ones with someone else? Do you think it's something that popped into my mind on the spur of the moment?"
    "Of course not, honey. But-"
    "I thought it over for weeks. I studied the record of what had happened in similar cases. I talked it over with two damned good psychiatrists. I told them what you- we-were like, and-"
    Her head jerked back. "Like? What am I supposed to be like?"
    "Don't," I said. "Let's not get started on another row. I told them the truth, that you were anything but a nympho but also very far from frigid. I told them that you'd always-Well, skip it. There wasn't any real best thing to do, but I did the best there was."
    "And look how it turned out!"
    "It would have turned out this way, anyhow, if you can't face facts. My telling you the truth wouldn't have made any difference. Don't you-"
    "We could have tried, couldn't we? How do you know how it would have turned out when we didn't even try? You don't know everything! You… Oh"-she hesitated and I heard her swallow heavily-"it's-it's t-too late Brownie? You don't want to come back to me now, after what I've-I've-?"
    I kissed her on the forehead, wondering abstractedly why the weakest of us seem always subjected to the greatest stress. Good and evil: were there such things or were there only weakness and strength? Was a car bad because it became junk? Was a woman bad who became a whore?
    "Brownie… is th-that the reason why-?"
    I kissed her again. "You haven't done anything," I said. "Not a single thing."
    "Let's try it, Brownie! Why, honestly, I won't mind a bit! Really, I won't. We'll have all those nice funny talks together, and you can read to me in the evenings and-and maybe we can get Skipper back from those people! Or we can get another dog. Why, we could even adopt a baby, honey, and it would be just like-"
    "Don't," I said. "For Christ's sake, DON'T!"
    But she wouldn't stop. She went on and on, over and over, that one refrain, earnest, tearful, laughable, maddening: _It wouldn't, honey! It wouldn't make a bit of difference!_ My heart began to beat time to it. The blood roared and raced through my brain, beating time.
    "Brownie!" she said. "Brownie!"
    I drifted back from a faraway place. A place where all the straight paths were blocked off and everything moved at a tangent.
    Her voice had become firm. "You understand, Brownie! We're stopping this foolishness right now! We need each