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I was pretty wel scared out of my wits.
    Charlotte Bronte had skipped the intimate details with Jane and Mr. Rochester.
    March 1st was the day Johnny Cash married June Carter. I wanted the marriage to work, but I didn't think it would. He was such a rebel, probably even did drugs, and everyone knew June was just a darling.
    Nate called the next day. I wasn't in a good frame of mind, missing him, and feeling so alone, since I no longer had either my family or the sisters to turn to.
    I tried to explain my feelings but knew I'd failed miserably when he asked, "Are you having second thoughts?"
    "No. Not at all." Surprisingly, I wasn't. "The one thing that seems to be a constant in my life these days is my certainty about marrying you."

    "You're sure of that?"
    I couldn't tell if he was feeling insecure, or just trying to make certain I was all right.
    "Absolutely."
    "Because if you're having second thoughts, we need to talk about them, Eliza."
    "I'm not!" I was beginning to get irritated with his unwillingness to believe me. Which was testament to how out of sorts I felt. Generally I was a very patient person.
    "It's to be expected," he said. "You're young and I rushed you."
    I got cold then. "Nate, are you trying to tell me you've changed your mind?"
    "No." It was a good thing his response was so unequivocal, otherwise I might've become completely unraveled. "But I've had a few more years to find out exactly what I want, which enables me to recognize it when I find it."
    "And you think I don't know my own mind?" Did he have as little faith in me as my parents?
    "Oh, Eliza, I'm sorry." His sigh was long and deep.
    "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" I asked.
    "Nothing's wrong. I've been thinking too much and knotted myself up, that's al . I just needed to hear your voice."
    "Wel , I'd like to hear what you were thinking about," I said.
    "It's late and you have class tomorrow. It wasn't important. Can't we leave it at that?" "No." I had an instinct about this.
    "I'd rather not get into it. At least not now, on the phone."
    I'd figured as much. "That's why I'm pretty sure I should hear about it."
    He sighed again. I leaned against the wall, holding the pay phone so tightly my hand was starting to cramp. That phone in the dark hallway of our dorm was the only one on which we could receive calls.
    "It's not a big deal, Eliza."
    "So you keep saying."
    "I don't want you upset or jumping to conclusions."
    My skin was clammy and I was half-afraid I might throw up. "Tel me."
    "I wasn't married just once."

    My only coherent thought was that he'd said his news wasn't important. Whether I was incredulous that he could think that, or hoping I'd misunderstood, I couldn't say.
    "We were young," Nate said a few seconds later. "Too young. It didn't last long. A couple of months.
    Her parents were moving to New Jersey and we figured if we didn't get married, we'd never see each other again."
    "How...young?" I could hardly speak.
    "Eighteen."
    Wow. I had no idea how to react to this.
    "Say something."
    "I'm not...I don't—" Helpless, I just stood there clutching the phone, letting the wall support me.
    "Tel me what you're feeling."
    "Deflated. Like I'm not sure I know you as wel as I thought."
    "I've lived thirty-two years, Eliza," he said, his voice taking on a weary note. "There are many facts about me, things I've experienced, that you don't know yet. But none of them change who I am.
    They're things that happened—"
    "A marriage is more than something that just happened."
    "This one wasn't. We never had a life together, never even set up house. We- lived with my mother for the couple of months it lasted."
    I was tired. Needed a good night's rest. "You said you got twisted up in thought." I returned to our earlier conversation. "Were you afraid you were making the same mistake twice? Getting married before you were ready?"
    "No." He actual y chuckled. "I was afraid you were."
    Considering what he'd told me, I supposed I could understand