Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes for Free Online Page B

bastard.”
    How many Aborigines does it take to eat a dead kangaroo?
    Five. One to do the eating and four to stop the traffic.
    Why do Australians call their beer XXXX?
    Because they can’t spell PISS.
    An Englishman walks into an Aussie bar in the outback and orders a white wine. Suddenly a deathly silence descends as everyone turns to look at the stranger. The barman says: “You ain’t from around here, are ya . . . where ya from, mate?”
    The man says, “I’m from Sussex, England.”
    The barman asks, “What the hell you do in Sussex, mate?”
    The man responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”
    The barman asks, “A taxidermist . . . now just what the hell is a taxidermist?”
    He says, “I mount animals.”
    The barman grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay, boys, he’s one of us!”
    What’s the definition of Australian aristocracy?
    An Aussie who can trace his lineage back to his father.
    What’s an Australians idea of foreplay?
    “You awake?”
    What’s a Tasmanian’s idea of foreplay?
    “You awake, mum?”
    An Aussie bloke meets a young New Zealander and they fall in love and get married. On their wedding night, she turns to him and says, “Can you please be gentle with me? I’m still a virgin.”
    The groom quickly gets out of bed and phones his father. “Strewth, dad, she’s a virgin. What the hell do I do?”
    His dad replies, “Tell her to sling her hook, son! If she’s not good enough for her own family, then she ain’t good enough for ours!”
    What is the definition of an Australian gentleman?
    Someone who will always offer to light his girlfriend’s farts before lighting his own.
     
    An Aussie was driving along through the outback in his four-wheel-drive, when he saw an Aborigine carrying two sheets of corrugated iron and a crate of beer. He stopped to give him a lift and the Aborigine chucked the two sheets of corrugated iron and beer in the back and hopped in beside the driver. “What the hell are you doing, mate, wandering around the outback with two sheets of corrugated iron and a crate of beer?” the driver asked.
    “The wife kicked me out,” the Aborigine explained. “We had a court case. She got the kids, I got the house and contents.”
    A British tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a man having sex with a sheep. Horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight double whisky. Just as he was about to knock it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
    “For pity’s sake!” the Brit cried. “What the hell is wrong with this country? I’ve been here one hour and I’ve seen a bloke shagging a sheep and now some bloke’s wanking himself off in the bar!”
    “Fair dinkum, mate,” replied the barman. “You can’t expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep, can you?”
    Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven God went missing for six days. On the seventh, Michael the Archangel found him resting. He enquired, “Where have you been, God?”
    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael, look what I’ve made.”
    Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
    “It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”
    “Balance?” enquired the Archangel, a trifle confused.
    God pointed to different parts of Earth. “Look over there, for example. That is Northern Europe. It will be cold but it will be a place of great opportunity and wealth. Southern Europe, however, will have good weather but it is going to be relatively poor.”
    “I think I get it,” said Michael the Archangel.
    God continued: “Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people. And over there, I call this place America. North Americans will be rich and powerful and cold and