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Mabel said, “I also remember when you used to hold my hand all the time.” Alf gently took her hand in his.
    Mabel went on: “I also remember how you used to nibble my ear and it sent chills up and down my spine.”
    Alf got out of bed and walked toward the door. As he exited the room, she called after him, “Do you need a pee?”
    “No, I’m just going to get my teeth.”
    An elderly couple are having dinner to celebrate their golden wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says to his wife, “There is something I need to say. It has always slightly bothered me that our ninth child never quite looked anything like the rest of our children. These past fifty years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer will never take all that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?”
    The wife stares at her plate, unable to look her husband in the eye. Eventually, she swallows hard then says. “Yes, he did.”
    The old man is stunned into silence. After a few moments he summons up the courage to ask: “Who was he?”
    The old woman gulps down her wine and says: “You.”
    My wife said to me in bed one night, “Since it is our wedding anniversary, why don’t I let you act out one of your fantasies?”
    “Okay,” I replied. “You sit at the end of the bed and I’ll sit behind you.”
    A little surprised, she did as I asked, then she said, “What is this supposed to be?”
    “You driving me down to the pub.”

ARABS
     
    What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
    Lefty.
    What does Tehran have in common with Hiroshima?
    Nothing, yet.
    When is it okay to spit in an Arab woman’s face?
    When her moustache is on fire.
    What do you call an Arab standing between two buildings?
    Ali.
    How do you tell a Sunni from a Shi’ite?
    The Sunnis are the ones with the Shi’ite blown out of them.
    Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages. They’re calling it “Islam”.
    A Bangladeshi called Abdul was bragging that in his country there were seventy-nine different ways to make mad passionate love. An Englishman listened intently, then said: “Why, that’s amazing. Where I come from there’s only one way.”
    “Just one?” Abdul asked. “And which way is that?”
    “Well there’s a man and there’s a woman . . .”
    “Praise Allah!!” shouted Abdul. “Number eighty!”
    Why are camels known as ships of the desert?
    Because they are full of Arab semen.
    Two Arabs board a fight out of London. One takes a window seat and the other sits next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a rabbi sits down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the rabbi kicks his shoes off and is settling in when the Arab in the window seat says, “I need to get up and get a Coke.”
    “Don’t get up,” says the rabbi, “I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.” As soon as he leaves, one of the Arabs picks up the rabbi’s shoe and spits in it.
    When the rabbi returns with the Coke, the other Arab says, “That looks good, I’d like one as well.” Again, the rabbi offers to go to fetch it. While he is gone the other Arab picks up the rabbi’s other shoe and spits in it.
    When the rabbi returns they all sit back and enjoy the rest of the flight. As the plane is landing, the rabbi slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately that they are full of phlegm. He leans over and says to his Arab neighbours, “Gentlemen, why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations! This hatred! This animosity! This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?”

AUSTRALIANS
     
    An Australian bloke is walking though the bush when he comes across an isolated homestead with a girl standing by the gate. “G’day,” says the Aussie. “Fancy a fuck?”
    “Not really,” replies the girl. “But you’ve talked me into it, you silver-tongued