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feeling that way in the first place”—becomes part of the
    25
    26 THE YEARNING TO BE UNDERSTOOD
    private self, known but not shared, or disowned, kept secret, sometimes
    even from yourself. Ominously, much of what fails to find acceptance
    becomes part of the disavowed self, what psychoanalyst Harry Stack Sul-
    livan called the “not me.”1 Some parents may be too anxious to tolerate
    a child’s anger; others may be too embarrassed to tolerate their children’s
    sexual feelings. Each of us grows up with some experiences of self so poi-
    soned with anxiety that they aren’t assimilated into the rest of our person-
    ality. Listening shapes us; not being heard twists us.
    A young mother in denim was berating her little girl for wanting a
    Barbie doll. It was a stupid thing to want; the child should be ashamed of her-
    self ; she should have more self- respect. It was painful to hear. The sad irony of a mother hammering away at a little girl’s pride to teach her self- respect
    was hard to escape. Should a mother let her daughter have a Barbie, like
    all the other kids? That’s up to her; but she should respect her daughter’s
    right to have opinions of her own.
    Gradually, with cooperation between parent and child, a self is formed,
    organized by language and listening, based in part on the child’s natural
    experience, in part on the values imposed by the parents. The listened-to
    child grows up whole and secure. The unlistened-to child lacks the under-
    standing that firms self- acceptance and is “bent out of shape” by the wishes
    and anxieties of others. This is what psychotherapist Carl Rogers meant
    when he said that the child’s innate tendency toward self- actualization is
    subverted by the need to please.2
    What never gets heard affects more than the difference
    between the socially shareable and the private; it drives
    a split between the true self and a false self.
    The seeds of listening are sown in childhood, in the quality of the
    relationship between parent and child. Parents who listen make their
    children feel worthwhile and appreciated. Being listened to helps build
    1Harry Stack Sullivan, The Interpersonal Theory of Psychiatry (New York: Norton, 1953).
    2Carl Rogers, Client- Centered Therapy (Boston: Houghton- Mifflin, 1951).

    How Listening Shapes Us and Connects Us to Each Other 27
    a secure self, endowing a child with sufficient self- respect to develop his
    or her own unique talents and ideals and to approach relationships with
    confidence.
    That understanding builds self- assurance is hardly news. Most of us
    can picture a mother with smiling eyes listening enthusiastically to a child
    eagerly describing some triumph or a father comforting a sad-faced child
    crying over some minor tragedy. And we all know how bad it feels to watch
    a parent reduce a child to tears of humiliation for making a mistake. Of
    course such scenes, repeated over and over, have an impact on a child.
    What may not be so obvious is how early or how profoundly the quality of
    listening begins to shape character.
    How Listening Shapes Self- Respect
    To begin with, the self is not a given, like having red hair or being tall,
    but a perspective on awareness, and an interpersonal one at that. The self
    is how we personify what we are, as shaped by our experience of being
    responded to by others. Character is formed in relationships, and the vital-
    ity of the self depends on the quality of listening we receive.
    Among scientific findings with the most profound implications for
    understanding the importance of listening is the work of infant researcher
    Daniel Stern.3 Stern’s most radical discovery was that the infant is never
    totally undifferentiated (symbiotic) from the mother.
    Margaret Mahler’s influential theory of separation and individuation
    was based on the assumption that we grow up and out of relationships,
    rather than becoming more active and sovereign within them.4 But once
    we accept the idea that we