feeling that way in the first place”—becomes part of the
25
26 THE YEARNING TO BE UNDERSTOOD
private self, known but not shared, or disowned, kept secret, sometimes
even from yourself. Ominously, much of what fails to find acceptance
becomes part of the disavowed self, what psychoanalyst Harry Stack Sul-
livan called the “not me.”1 Some parents may be too anxious to tolerate
a child’s anger; others may be too embarrassed to tolerate their children’s
sexual feelings. Each of us grows up with some experiences of self so poi-
soned with anxiety that they aren’t assimilated into the rest of our person-
ality. Listening shapes us; not being heard twists us.
A young mother in denim was berating her little girl for wanting a
Barbie doll. It was a stupid thing to want; the child should be ashamed of her-
self ; she should have more self- respect. It was painful to hear. The sad irony of a mother hammering away at a little girl’s pride to teach her self- respect
was hard to escape. Should a mother let her daughter have a Barbie, like
all the other kids? That’s up to her; but she should respect her daughter’s
right to have opinions of her own.
Gradually, with cooperation between parent and child, a self is formed,
organized by language and listening, based in part on the child’s natural
experience, in part on the values imposed by the parents. The listened-to
child grows up whole and secure. The unlistened-to child lacks the under-
standing that firms self- acceptance and is “bent out of shape” by the wishes
and anxieties of others. This is what psychotherapist Carl Rogers meant
when he said that the child’s innate tendency toward self- actualization is
subverted by the need to please.2
What never gets heard affects more than the difference
between the socially shareable and the private; it drives
a split between the true self and a false self.
The seeds of listening are sown in childhood, in the quality of the
relationship between parent and child. Parents who listen make their
children feel worthwhile and appreciated. Being listened to helps build
1Harry Stack Sullivan, The Interpersonal Theory of Psychiatry (New York: Norton, 1953).
2Carl Rogers, Client- Centered Therapy (Boston: Houghton- Mifflin, 1951).
How Listening Shapes Us and Connects Us to Each Other 27
a secure self, endowing a child with sufficient self- respect to develop his
or her own unique talents and ideals and to approach relationships with
confidence.
That understanding builds self- assurance is hardly news. Most of us
can picture a mother with smiling eyes listening enthusiastically to a child
eagerly describing some triumph or a father comforting a sad-faced child
crying over some minor tragedy. And we all know how bad it feels to watch
a parent reduce a child to tears of humiliation for making a mistake. Of
course such scenes, repeated over and over, have an impact on a child.
What may not be so obvious is how early or how profoundly the quality of
listening begins to shape character.
How Listening Shapes Self- Respect
To begin with, the self is not a given, like having red hair or being tall,
but a perspective on awareness, and an interpersonal one at that. The self
is how we personify what we are, as shaped by our experience of being
responded to by others. Character is formed in relationships, and the vital-
ity of the self depends on the quality of listening we receive.
Among scientific findings with the most profound implications for
understanding the importance of listening is the work of infant researcher
Daniel Stern.3 Stern’s most radical discovery was that the infant is never
totally undifferentiated (symbiotic) from the mother.
Margaret Mahler’s influential theory of separation and individuation
was based on the assumption that we grow up and out of relationships,
rather than becoming more active and sovereign within them.4 But once
we accept the idea that we