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character I
     was in the process of developing.
    There was one aspect of the solicitation game that especially interested me because that would be the part of Gacy’s world
     I’d most need to know about. I wasn’t sure how to approach the subject diplomatically, so I just asked Rico straight out:
     “Did anyone ever try to hurt you?”
    He pulled out a cigarette and looked thoughtful. “You’d be surprised how often that happens. Guys try a lot, but you have
     to be ready for it.” Although he was acting as if being in constant jeopardy was no big deal, I could tell it really bothered
     him. After a pause, he continued. “One guy hit me over the head with a club as soon as I got into his car. He said he thought
     I looked like some guy who robbed him, but I just got the hell out of there. Another time, a guy put a knife to my throat
     while I was blowing him.”
    “Were you scared?” I asked him, frightened myself just hearing the story.
    “Fuck yeah! I was thinking about biting his dick completely off. Fuck that cocksucker!” He was angry all over again, just
     thinking about the incident.
    “So how did you get out of that situation?”
    “I thought I’d just be able to bail out of there, but I was wrong. After I blew him, he fuckin’ pissed on me.”
    Very naively, I asked him what he meant.
    “He said, ‘If you fucking move, I’ll slice your throat.’ Then he made me open my mouth and he pissed inside. He did manage
     to cut the side of my neck from the force of him holding the knife against it. Look at the scar.”
    Rico then showed me the scar as he continued. “I was so mad at that motherfucker. I wanted to kill him. If I ever see him
     again, I got a forty-five waiting to cap his ass.”
    “So how did you escape the guy?” I asked, completely captivated by his story. Listening to this guy was far better than reading
     about this world any day.
    Rico seemed to have had enough of the conversation. We’d now run over the agreed-upon half hour anyway. He looked at me directly
     and asked, “Does this talk turn you on? I’d fuck you if you want to experiment. A lot of guys will pay me, and still won’t
     admit they’re fags.”
    “No. I’m not gay,” I told him. “This really is just for school.”
    Well, at least the first part was truthful. I didn’t feel too bad, though, because Rico had been fairly paid for his time.
    For what I had in mind, it was important that I be able to speak convincingly in a way that Gacy would never question. I knew
     I had to be careful in everything that I wrote because I figured he had nothing to do all day except carefully scrutinize
     every word that arrived by letter.
    So much for my strategy. I had more research to do, more interviews, more reading, more reflecting on how I would craft the
     first letter to attract Gacy’s attention.
    As I look back at all that unfolded during the next year, there’s no way I could have possibly predicted what would result
     from this first step. It never occurred to me as I was creating a means to manipulate, control, and open up a collection of
     the world’s most notorious serial killers that it would be I who was ultimately controlled and manipulated.

6
A Question of Motive
    P eople always ask me why I do things that, to any normal person, are “over the top.” Though self-analysis is only as good as
     the analyzer, let me try to take a stab at explaining my motivation.
    Fear is a big theme in my life. Always has been. And every time I confront someone or something that makes me uneasy, my second
     impulse (after stifling the urge to run) is to study the source of my anxiety in an attempt to control it.
    As regards this plan to gain the confidence of several serial killers, it felt like if I could fool someone like Gacy, if
     I could manage him and others like him, then I’d be protected against harm. This was magical thinking, I know— even irrational.
     But when this whole thing began, this was the only