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myself.
    My negotiations with the Imperial clan had ended in compromise: I was to meet Tseng for fifteen minutes.
    "I heard that you have lost your sight. Is that true?" I asked while watching the clock ticking on the wall. "May I know which eye is bad?"
    "Both eyes are bad," Tseng replied. "My right eye has gone blind almost completely. But my left can still detect light. On a good day I can see blurred figures."
    "Have you recovered from your other maladies?"
    "Yes, I can say that I have."
    "You appear to kneel and rise freely. Is your frame still sound?"
    "It is not what it used to be."
    The thought of ending the meeting made my voice break. "Tseng Kuo-fan, you have worked hard for the throne."
    "It has been my pleasure to serve you, Your Majesty."
    I wished that I could invite him to see me again, but I was afraid that I would not be able to keep my word.
    We sat and remained quiet.
    As etiquette required, Tseng kept his head lowered, his eyes resting on a spot on the floor. The steel clasp of his riding cloak made a clinking noise every time he changed position. He seemed to search for my exact location. I was sure he could not see me even with his eyes wide open. Reaching for his teacup, his hands groped the air. When An-te-hai brought in sweet sesame buns, his elbow almost upset the tray.
    "Tseng Kuo-fan, do you remember the first time we met?" I tried to cheer us up.
    "Yes, of course." The man nodded. "It was fourteen years ago ... at the audience with His Majesty Emperor Hsien Feng."
    I raised my voice a bit so I was sure he could hear me. "You were strong with a stout chest. Your gathered eyebrows made me think that you were mad."
    "Was I?" He smiled. "I was impatient back then. I wanted to live up to His Majesty's expectations."
    "You did. You have achieved more than anyone could have expected. My husband would be proud. I have already visited his altar to report the news you brought him."
    Tseng lowered his head and began to weep. Glancing up after a time, he peered in my direction, struggling to see. The light in the sitting room was too dim, however, and he again lowered his gaze.
    An-te-hai came in to remind us that our time was up.
    Tseng collected himself to bid me goodbye.
    "Finish your tea," I said softly.
    As he drank, I looked at the silver mountains and ocean waves embroidered on his cloak.
    "Would it be all right if I asked my doctor to visit you?"
    I asked. "It would be very kind of Your Majesty."
    "Promise me that you will take care of yourself, Tseng Kuo-fan. I am counting on seeing you again. Soon, I hope."
    "Yes, Your Majesty, Tseng Kuo-fan will do his best."

    I never got to see him again. Tseng Kuo-fan died less than four years later, in 1873.
    Looking back, I felt good about honoring the man personally. Tseng opened my eyes to the wider world outside the Forbidden City. He not only made me understand how the Western nations took advantage of their Industrial Revolution and prospered, but also demonstrated that China stood a chance to accomplish great things. Tseng Kuo-fan's last advice to the throne was to build a strong navy. His historic achievement, the triumph over the Taiping rebels, gave me the confidence to pursue such a dream.

6
    Since his infancy, Tung Chih had been taught to think that I was his subordinate more than his mother. And now that he was thirteen, I had to be careful what I said to him. Like handling a kite in a capricious wind, I held on to a thin thread. I learned to silence myself whenever tense breezes blew.
    One morning soon after my final meeting with General Tseng, An-te-hai requested a moment with me. The eunuch had something important to tell me, and he asked for my forgiveness before opening his mouth.
    I said "rise" several times, but An-te-hai remained on his knees. When I ordered him to come closer, he shuffled toward me on his knees and settled in a spot where I could hear his whisper.
    "His Young Majesty has been infected with a terrible disease," An-te-hai