Read The Kruton Interface for Free Online

ferocity, Dr. Seamus O’Gandhi sat bolt upright. One bloodshot eye swiveled in its socket, taking in the bridge.
    Then he said, “Jesus, Mary, and Krishna, I am not feeling well.”
    Wanker eyed him as if he were a curious species of alien insect. “A wreck of a man.” He shook his head. “The ravages of drug abuse.”
    Rhodes said sadly, “Drugs are slow poison.”
    “Yeah, but he’s in a hurry.”
    The new captain of the Repulse walked over to where his chief medical officer sat on the deck.
    “Well, Doc. Why don’t you regale us all with one of your witty, crusty bon mots?”
    O’Gandhi struggled to reply but succeeded only in mumbling.
    Wanker leaned over. “Nothing to say for yourself? No terse witticisms? No spare epigrams, quick retorts … eh? What say, Sawbones?”
    After an immense effort O’Gandhi blurted, “I am going to be upchucking all over the deck.”
    Straightening up, Wanker smiled appreciatively. “Worthy of Dr. Johnson.”
    O’Gandhi’s vision finally came into focus. “And who may I be asking are you, my fine fellow?”
    “Permit me to introduce myself. I’m Captain David L. Wanker.”
    “Wonker?”
    The captain pronounced it for him.  
    “It is a fine name, pukka sahib!”  
    “I’m glad you think so.”
    O’Gandhi mumbled something as he struggled to his feet. Wanker assisted him.
    Wobbling, O’Gandhi approximated a salute. “Chief Medical Officer Seamus O’Gandhi reporting, sir.” A liquid smile spread over his face. “Please to be calling me ‘Jimmy.’”
    Wanker smiled toothily. “Why, sure, Jimmy! Jimmy, old friend, old pal, let me ask you a question.”
    “Anything, my captain of mine! I am yours to command!”
    “Have anything down in sick bay that’ll put me out of my misery, quick?”
    “Well, I am having some great pills down there that will knock you on your—” O’Gandhi suddenly looked sheepish. “Oops. I am nearly putting my foot in it.”
    Wanker said, “Oh, I’ll bet you have some great pills down there. That is, what you haven’t stuffed into your gullet yet. No, I was talking about the harder stuff. The darker drink, as it were. Poison, toxins, dread microorganisms. Something that’ll carry me away in a jiffy.”
    O’Gandhi looked confused. “Well, let me to be thinking about this, now—”
    “Never mind.”
    Wanker strode to the forward section of the bridge and began to pace in a circle.
    “Listen up, everyone, I have something to say. Through bureaucratic bungling and the cruelty of a basically malevolent universe I’ve been handed the rottenest assignment in the Space Forces. This ship is an interstellar disaster. But I will be bending every effort to make the best of a bad situation. This shape is either going to ship up … er, this ship is going to be shape-ship… ”  
    The captain whanged his head against one of the dangling panel covers.
    “ Arrrrgggghhh !”
    Sven Svensen helped him to his feet.
    “Watch the low overhead when you walk around here, sir.”
    “Those things are dangerous!”
    “Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.”
    “Not your fault. What the hell was I saying?”
    Wanker began to pace again, but halted in front of the large view screen on the bridge’s forward bulkhead. It was blank.
    “Why isn’t this thing on?” he asked.
    “Out of order, sir,” Rhodes said. “Sadowski is working on it.”
    “Oh. Useless thing, anyway. As if you can see anything in space. How many centuries has it been since a military vessel relied on visual contact with the enemy?”
    “It’s been a long time,” Rhodes agreed. “You were saying, sir, about shipping or shaping?”
    “Hm? Never mind.” Wanker resumed pacing, his voice stentorian. “Just let me say this. There are many ways to do things in this man’s Space Forces … and woman’s!… let’s not forget the women!… Just let me say this … There are many ways to do things in this man’s and woman’s Space Forces. There’s the right way, the wrong way, the